It's hard to be a mom

Yesterday was so long. She was fussy all day-she woke up whenever I put her down, fussed during nursing and just about wore me out. And, it continued until midnight when she finally started acting like my baby again, ate normally and then slept. I really don't even know how to describe the day-when I just write it out like that, it doesn't seem overwhelming at all, after all, it was only one day. But all day I just kept thinking-what is wrong with her, what is wrong with me, why isn't breast feeding working, why won't she sleep, and WHAT ON EARTH IS SHE CRYING ABOUT??!! It's so hard to know that someone is totally dependant on you and completely miserable-try not taking that personally.

So, this morning after she did well the rest of the night, I was feeling more positive and hopeful. But that did not last long. Since she was born I have worried about her safety. Newborns are incredibly resilient yet terrifyingly fragile. I worried that I would drop her, that Bard would drop her, that someone else would drop her, that she would fall, that one of us would trip while carrying her, and countless other scary occurrences. You might sense where this is going. I got her up this morning and laid her on the bed while getting the things I needed to take downstairs with me to feed her. I have no idea what happened, she wasn't near the edge of the bed, and as near as I can figure my robe must have caught her blanket and pulled it because as I was turning away from her I had a thump and turned around to see my baby daughter, my three week old, and everything that is precious to me lying on the floor. I will never forget the sound of that thump. Even now I almost can't breathe while typing it. I screamed for Bard and knelt down to get her, watching to see if she moved and cried on her own. She did so I picked her up, shaking and crying harder than she was. Bard called the Dr (again, love that they have a 24 hour on call Dr). She had landed flat on her back on the carpet (the only part of our house that is carpeted) and had no marks, and the Dr asked how high, what she was acting like, etc. She was alert and calmed down right away. She nursed and then he had us wake her after she fell asleep to make sure she was still alert. Needless to say she is fine and I am still shaken up. I didn't put her down for three hours.

Funny how the day before I was so stressed and frustrated, wanting to put her down, and then after today's scare all I wanted to do was hold her close forever. I have this feeling that the rest of my life is going to be a balance of those emotions. As she grows and develops her own identity that pushes against mine, I will be frustrated and searching for answers. But the foundation of our relationship can never be altered, I love her and will always strive to protect her and cherish her-even when sometimes I may be the cause of her pain. At three weeks into motherhood, learning that I'm not a perfect mom is a hard lesson, but one that I know I will continue to learn throughout the years. It is a good lesson because it will encourage me to be honest and vulnerable with the people around me-seeking their support, advice, and encouragement. I'm grateful that God designed us so that we need people, life would be so discouraging on our own. Knowing that I have people who are there for me no matter what, and who accept me and even embrace me for who I really am, makes all the difference in the world.

Now, someone is waking up. . . : )