Maternity to Family-What the Photos Show

Maternity Shoot, May 2014

Ten years ago, when I was going through an extremely challenging time in my life, a dear friend gave me one of the best-and worst-compliments I've ever received.  She said that when people are in the middle of heartbreak, walking through difficult times, really being pressed down; it's what comes out of us that shows who we really are.  Like grinding coffee from bitter beans or wine from crushed grapes, when we are really tested, it shows what we are made of, what's inside us.  And that by enduring and persevering through it all I was letting go of the bitterness and giving into the richness. Now, she is probably reading this and wondering why that would also be considered one of the worst compliments . :) Well, it's not of course, it's a wonderful compliment and I've treasured it all these years.

Cici holds a Ukrainian Pysanky Egg

But it makes me think, when maybe I don't want to.  I'll catch myself responding to someone or something - just in my head of course because I wouldn't let anyone see THAT part of me-and I see bitterness.  Anger. Ugly. And then I wonder, am I really letting goodness flow out me? Because a lot of crap comes out too.

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. ~ Jesus

And I think that is why I have hesitated to post these photos.  It also could be because I am lazy.  It also could be because I'm swamped trying to live life with three children.  Whatever. 

My point is that these pictures are just gorgeous. No really-not us-our photographer is amazing and you should check her out, you won't regret it! And I really do love them-they capture our waiting time, our expectancy, our hope and then the fulfillment of that hope.  Joy. Family. I honestly do not think there is anything of greater value in our home than our family photos, I just love them. But are they the coffee from the beans? Just the good part and not really showing any of the yuckiness that lies underneath?  What about all the challenges we have gone through this last year? Where are the frustrations and failures? Do I perpetuate an image of some dreamy perfect family when in reality I think I have broken every parenting law I created for myself at the all-knowing and ripe old age of 25?

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found?

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

The "maternity" photos especially, almost didn't get posted, because I almost didn't retake them.

Evelyn's picture of our whole family-before we even met Max!

Retake because I already did maternity photos for Kazakhstan. Oh yeah, remember that whole THING?  But in the end we did take them because we wanted something new out of the old, something fresh, a new hope, something unique to be cherished, what was gained over what was lost.

And that is how coffee is made.  Maybe I've been thinking about it backwards. I feel guilty over the bitter grounds, pain from the grinding, and I allow it to taint the resulting richness. Of course.  Every morning when Bard tosses out the old coffee grounds from the day before (and yes, we live in the Northwest so of course we recycle and compost because we know anyone who doesn't goes straight to hell), he then grinds new beans and makes fresh coffee. And when I stumble downstairs, the only way I can hold a mug of steaming liquid gold in my hands is if the water has gone through, bringing the flavor, leaving the filth.  

Pitter patter.

Living Water.

Because that is the plan for grace.  I need these photos.  They remind me what is pure.  What is Love. What I  chose and what I am fighting for. I might not be an illustration of the perfect family. Sometimes I might need to crush certain areas more to produce a sweetness that wasn't there before. But I absolutely cannot live in that richness without first sloughing off all the ugliness.  And unfortunately life is not a linear experience and it is not equal.  I don't want to be reminded of the muck, I just want the coffee.  Seriously.  Any time.  Any day. Coffee. Northwest, remember?! But not only do I have to go through the grinding, see the dirty, leftover grounds, I have to be okay with it. Accept grace.  Give grace. Sure the gift of grace itself is pretty great, but the need for grace to begin with is far more crucial-and difficult to understand.

Just a few of our photos, click the links at the right to request viewing.

So when I look at our photos, our journey, I see beauty and pain mixed together because one is ever growing out of the other.  And that is not only okay. It is a miracle.

You make beautiful things. . .