Merry Christmas!

Flower Girls!

I can’t even think how to describe the year 2014 and what it meant for the Luippold Family.  After over a year of hoping to adopt from first Russia and then Kazakhstan, we switched to a Ukraine Adoption Program in March and by July we were on a plane to Eastern Europe!  The first 6 months of the year are such a whirlwind. I took time off working to focus on the adoption and our family. However, somehow the time seemed to fill up more than ever!  The mountain of never ending adoption paperwork contributed to our busyness, as well as traveling to Virginia for Bard and the girls to be in his sister’s wedding, the girls and I dancing in a recital, and starting the summer off with theatre camp and swim lessons.

Meeting Max!

Then, Monday July 7^th I woke up and checked my email at 5am.  And promptly burst in to tears.  Our adoption dossier had been accepted by the Ukrainian government and they had given us an interview date for July 17^th, ten days away.  In fact, we were flying out July 14^th-in one week.  I promptly stopped crying-Bard and I had way too much work to do!  Somehow we packed up our house, the girls, and everything but the kitchen sink and boarded a plane to Kyiv, the capitol city of Ukraine.  There were lots of bumps, prayers, chocolate eating, and subway riding over the next 6 weeks.  But the most important moments were breathtaking and heart stopping.  Sitting in a tiny government office and seeing the picture of our son for the first time.  Waiting in a toy filled visitation room at a rural orphanage while the Director went and woke him from his nap.  Holding him for the first time and playing with him, as a family, during our daily orphanage visits. Sitting in court and hearing the judge grant our petition to adopt him.  And, after 6 weeks and 3 days of living in Ukraine-a memorable and absolutely incredible experience-boarding a plane to come home. Together.

Exploring Kyiv

Introducing Maxim Everett Bard Luippold, better known as Max, now and forever-part of our family!

Celebrating Ukrainian
Independence

We returned home on August 28^th, three days later Bard went back to work and the girls started piano lessons.  The next day they started school-first grade for Evelyn and preschool for Cecilia.  And the following week I returned to teaching dance and the girls started ballet and tap classes while Max started swim classes and a million doctor appointments.  We don’t do anything half way around here J

Overall the adjustment is going fairly well-for all of us.  There have been quite a few (million) moments of stress, exhaustion, frustration, and sadness.    But when I think back to where we were last year, and what a miracle it is that our lives changed so drastically in such a short period of time, it honestly shocks me.  Max has overcome a lot in just the three short months that we have been home-and he has a lot more in front of him.  Overall his health is good but he is delayed and very small for his age so we do therapy and feed him every other minute!  He has been checked and tested for a variety of issues and that will continue as we monitor his growth and health.  Next year will be informative and scary as he will likely need surgery for a congenital heart defect. And while it is easy to be fearful of such a big procedure, when I think of the prayers, support, and blessings that carried us through this year and allowed us to see the power of redemption played out in our personal lives, I have peace.

First Family Christmas Tree!

And that, dear friends and family, is what we wish you this holiday season and for the year 2015.  May you see Love in your lives, like never before.  May you have prayers answered and feel the breath of God all around you. And may you strive for something that is bigger than yourself and watch in humble joy as your dreams come true.

Advent Equals Waiting-for the Unexpected

Non Pink Court

The morning we readopted Max in the US, just like every adoptive family preparing for the special and beautiful milestone of going to court, our family's conversation centered around the type of toilets at the courthouse.

No really.  All day we talked about toilets. (If that makes no sense whatsoever to you, please read here.

It was a slightly underwhelming culmination of what started almost exactly two years ago-our adoption journey to meet Max.  December 2012 will go down in my history as one of my Least Favorite Things. We faced stress in nearly every area of our lives and then to top it off Putin fulfilled his destiny of becoming a world class ass hole-you can read this-to explain the whole sob story. But, I promise this is not a "Best of" blog, and to sum up the next year and a half, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that the theme of every post was, waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting.

Put one foot in front of the other

And soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor

Last year at Christmas time, I really believed that we would have our son with us to celebrate in 2014. Honestly, I couldn't see it, and had no idea how it would happen, but I just kept going. Right on to another country in fact, our third, but in this case-third time was a charming little boy named Max! I cannot stress enough how drastically our lives changed in the last year.  This weekend Bard and I went on our first real date since traveling to Ukraine. We saw the Hobbit movie (yes, I am a Tolkien nerd) and it reminded me that last year we saw the Hobbit movie at Christmas time too (yes, I am a Tolkien nerd.) Afterwards we joked that during the movie both of us kept thinking there was another Hobbit movie and then couldn't remember how may we had already seen-1, 2, 3, who knew?! But I sat in the movie theatre and thought to myself, they are wrapping this up pretty quick, there must be more conflict coming soon!

You put one foot in front of the other

And soon you'll be walking out the door!

That's kinda what court was like on Friday-it seemed like there should be more. It is for good reason that people equate the paperwork and travel part of adoption to being in pregnant and in labor. When I was pregnant I complained, was frustrated, in pain, and more than a little cranky.  And I would tell anyone who asked.  And when I was in labor.  Well.  Let's just say after Cici Bard and I had a funny little conversation about how much I screamed.  Apparently a lot.  But NOW, if you ask me about my pregnancies or labor, I normally start with a laugh, throw my head back a little and say with a smile, "Oh yeah, I was miserable!"  I didn't even have drugs but maybe someone slipped me some magical hallucinogens that make that whole painful experience appear suddenly ridiculous and remembered with a fond smile and a tilt of the head.

Weird, right?

So, if you had found me on the subway in Kyiv when I was carrying 40 pounds of groceries for three more stops in 96 degree weather with 100% humidity, I would have snapped your head off and given anything to go home.  Odd, since even as I write this I'm smiling and wish I could go back to Kyiv!  Last week I was even cracking up remembering how we all had the stomach flu for our last two weeks in country and vomited our heads off.  Oh, so hilarious.

You never will get where you're going

If ya never get up on your feet.

Now that we're actually here, where we wanted to be, it's not romanticized any more.  It's just real life.  Even the court reasons and proceedings were much more mundane than our Ukraine   experience. While of course we were required to go to court in Ukraine to legally adopt Max and bring him home, that is not the case with readoption.  Max already is our son and was a US citizen from the moment he landed in Seattle-he loves Nirvana, coffee, and rain, just ask him!  The readoption is simply so he has a US birth certificate which can make school paperwork, travel, legal issues, etc easier. So, meh.  And of course there was no hurrying and waiting, no wondering if the judge would say yes, no toilet drama, and sheesh, the courthouse wasn't even pink.

Come on, there's a good tall wind blowin

And a fast walking man is hard to beat.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that we were able to readopt Max here, and I'm blown away by everything that it stands for-the final step in our adoption process. After two years, to have made it to this place, step after step, forwards, backwards, sideways, crawling, it's an honor to be here. But, during this advent season, I am struck by the truth that waiting and waiting and preparing and being ready do not always lead you where you think you are going. What you may think is going to come and what actually comes might not be the same thing.

Long lay the world...

Pining.

Probably because far too often we get caught up in the smallness of ourselves. We may imagine that we have created a big dream and are moving toward its fulfillment, but the reality is actual change often overwhelms us. We are left unable to see that the new Truth unfolding before us is far greater than we could have imagined, and far more worth the effort. I never would have chosen the stress of the last three months.  I never would have wanted to see the ugliness, the weakness, the stubborness that lack of sleep and demanding children bring out in me. Because I never would choose to deliberately put myself through hardship, I would never have the chance to see the joy that comes through on the other side. Watching Max overcome simple struggles that for him are mountains brings up my own struggles that are like icebergs-tiny on the surface, deadly underneath.

O come O come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel

That mourns in lonely exile here

Until the Son of God appear.

Terrified.

Troubled.

When faced with the sight of their dream right before them, this is how the shepherds and all of Jerusalem responded. Throughout the ensuing years that entire region shuddered with the hardship of laying down one dream to pick up another.

Greater. Simpler.

I think I get into trouble when I want the dream to be epic, glamorous, visible. And actually, during those moments,  I look pretty good. Me. I do. But the small, serving, simple moments are what break me. Cleaning vomit was not part of my dream. Being up all night. Repeating the same mundane tasks over and over again.

Advent, 2014

Yet in thy dark streets shineth

The everlasting Light

The hopes and fears of all the years

Are met in Thee tonight. 

I guess I'll have to wait and see what exactly I've been waiting for. . .The dream is maybe not what I can do for a child,  but what a child can do for me. This blog is as much about my growth as it is Max's growth. Right now Max's growth is much more visible than mine. And some days I can't see how I will change,  I don't know how it will happen. But I will keep going. 

If you want to change your direction

If your time of life is at hand

Well don't be the rule be the exception

The best way to start is to stand.

Put one foot in front of the other. . .

Transition and Tradition...And a Little Matchbox 20

Watching Daddy in the Turkey Bowl-a must have tradition!

You know you've been watching too many episodes of Gilmore Girls when you dream that you're opening an inn. And you've pulled your short jackets out of retirement and thrown them back into the clothing repertoire even though one had a missing button-until you cut off the other two buttons so it would match.

Wow.

It's not like I'm trying to escape my completely overwhelming life or anything.  No. Don't be silly.

All day staring at the ceiling 

Making friends with shadows on the wall 

All night hearing voices telling me 

That I should get some sleep 

Because tomorrow might be good for something

Here's the thing though, I don't feel constantly stressed, just like I'm on the edge-of being crazy.  I still do all my normal things like buy groceries, braid hair, and be on time.  But it's there, simmering, waiting for a reason to boil over.  

Just like Max.

Hold on

Feeling like I'm heading for a breakdown

And I don't know why

See, kids who have been through trauma constantly survive in a flight or fight mode. Max is actually doing really well-he's growing, stronger, learning, connecting, and taking his little baby steps to catch up with a typical 18 month old-which is what he'll be tomorrow.  The Dr at UW and Max's physical therapist are both thrilled with his progress-he's in a growth phase and he's made leaps and bounds improvements in gross motor skills. Don't tell our social worker but Bard and I are investing in duct tape as the only possible means to keep that child still for longer than 4 seconds! However-here's the fight or flight-this morning I put him in our jogging stroller to go for a run.  He hasn't ridden in it for over a month because blah blah blah and was instantly agitated.  I could see him tense up, he became fussy, whining. We take almost daily walks and he loves it. But simply sitting in a different stroller put him over the edge.  We see this in a hundred different ways throughout his daily routine-different bottles, new people, different food.  His therapist even noticed that he grows nervous when a new toy is first introduced.  Well that will make Christmas fun!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I love Christmas. So. So. So. Much. It's not for naught that I was a history major, ritual and tradition are my middle names.  If I do something once, I'll do it a million times again-in the same exact way and be utterly thrilled every time.  Christmas feeds my insanity perfectly. Watching Elf every year. Christmas tree the Saturday after Thanksgiving every year.  Baking cookies for the neighbors every year. Zoolights with friends every year.  Every year.

There'll be much mistletoeing

And hearts will be glowing

When loved ones are near

I love the busyness.  In fact, if my family could handle it, I would add more.  But that's the thing, somehow not everybody wants to watch 18 Christmas movies every year, live through a day of driving and decorating, make eight pounds of delectables, and fill every evening with a new-or old-tradition.  

And a partridge in pear tree.

No seriously, Bard actually said to me, "Of course I like Elf, but I don't need to watch it every year."

The girls at The Nutcracker

Yes, we're still together, he teaches me how to show grace :)  But we knew-we knew with Thanksgiving-and we know with Christmas-Edge.  To keep things normal for Max we hosted Thanksgiving Dinner. So he napped in his own bed, it was a relatively small group of people, and he went to bed on time.  The difference between Thanksgiving and Christmas is that Thanksgiving is one day and Christmas is a whole month.  Or more if you ask Target!  (A little aside to everyone whining about Christmas decorations being up so early.  Ummm.  Stores would not put them up if they were not making money, probably hand over fist.  So if you had to buy that adorable snowman towel or Christmas cookie, then cut it out, you're clogging my facebook feed!) We've planned and prayed over what will be fun holiday traditions yet keep our transition going smoothly.  We know we can't do everything but still want to celebrate a fun season.  And let's be honest, that's probably a safe plan for me too. Of course it was not fair that the first tradition to get the ax was me taking the girls to PNB's Nutcracker.  We were supposed to both go with the girls but we couldn't get a sitter for Max (and I couldn't choose just any sitter) so Bard went without me. Yes he offered but I really wanted him to be with the girls and there are many more traditions waiting for me. I love so much about this time of year-the music makes me smile (the GOOD music people, pay attention, you can't just put Christmas in front of a song and think it's good.  If it was crap to begin with then you just made it Christmas Crap. Way to go.) 

Uh...Oh yeah, the music makes me smile, I love seeing our tree as I come down the stairs in the morning, Christmas blend is the only Starbucks coffee I like, and nothing makes me happier than finding the perfect gift-and ordering it from my couch on Amazon :) But, add in a million doctor's appointments-Max had his eye appointment which went well but we still have genetics testing and an ear exam, along with his 18 month check up, and weekly physical therapy sessions-a super strict schedule since he still needs to be fed 6 times a day, and a mom who is adjusting to adoption while not getting much sleep and you have a recipe for something other than yummy Christmas cookies.

But I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell

But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see

A different side of me

Max and I are both adjusting to totally new situations.  Every time I care for a very needy child I am reminded how incredibly impatient I am-which is weird because in other situations I'm the most patient person in the world. And aside for the hint of craziness seen in the fact that I want to sit on the couch all day watching Gilmore Girls, if you ask me to help you with something my eyes will get completely glazed over as I retreat into my head and say to myself, "DO THEY KNOW I JUST ADOPTED A BABY FROM UKRAINE??!!"  Then I will snap back, smile politely and say, "Thanks, I'll think about it." And email you later with a big fat no.

I'm not crazy I'm just a little impaired

I know right now you don't care

But soon enough you're going to think of me

And how I used to be...me.

Max's First Christmas ornament-that I bought
in 2013.

And a big fat no is probably exactly what my stinker monkey wants to say when I do crazy things like put him in a different stroller or go to a snowy mountain for a tree that goes inside the house. Little by little though, Max will discover a new self-a safe self, a loved self.  And little by little I will settle in too (and not just because I'm starting the last season of Gilmore Girls).  Reality will blend with escape and that will be okay.  I'll emerge again, at ease with my life and not constantly ready for flight or fight.

Maybe it's extra crazy to be adjusting-and asking him to adjust over the holidays. But maybe it's extra hopeful too.  I'm constantly reminded of where I was at this time last year-moved in to my parents house because we had a crazy remodel take place at the absolute last minute. Reeling from the pain of a broken relationship that knocked me flat on my back.  And oh yeah, waiting for a country to open that never did but meanwhile my son was sitting in a Ukrainian orphanage -waiting for me.

The very first Christmas Story tells of fear-not just fear-utter terror, anger, the unknown, lies, poverty, shame, and complete chaos.  But it doesn't stay there. It moves through all the change to create the greatest tradition of all. Hope. Blessings. Love. Family. Max might already be a one year old, but this is his first Christmas.  Because he has hope. And we get the best new tradition of all. Christmas with our whole family.

It's The Most Wonderful Time

It's The Most Wonderful Time

It's The Most Wonderful of the Year

Spooky/Stressed/Super

American holidays are insane.  And yes, I've seen the Facebook articles, I realize that my generation is responsible for the steroidization of everything from Halloween to Saint Patrick's Day (no, I will not hide magic leprechaun rocks for my kids to find with their homemade rainbow telescopes. No Pinterest. No.)

Having said that, I feel slightly ridiculous because there is just about nothing in the world that I love more than a good event with an even better theme.  But are three pumpkin patch trips, two harvest festivals, and putting pumpkin stickers in my daughter's lunch the week of Halloween really necessary?  Okay, so they are, welcome to America Max, your family is ridiculous!

Max's first trip to the pumpkin patch was so cute, and slightly sweaty.  I don't know where fall is but it was a balmy 73 degrees as we tromped around the farm-just 20 degrees higher than normal! Our trip was all the more special because Bard's family was here visiting so they got to experience some of Max's firsts with us. Max, although probably once again thinking his mother was crazy for plunking him down on the ground and then getting out that square black thing that she likes to hide her face behind, was game enough to try and head butt the pumpkin, making for a classic photo!  I had way too much fun dressing us up for our church Harvest Festival and then we got ready to go trick or treating.  When the power went out.  Yep, our power went out on Halloween, ha!  Max doesn't really like anything out of his regular routine so he was a bit agitated, and it made for a slightly spooky walk down our darkened street, but it will definitely be a Halloween to remember!  We were only out for a little bit (Totally long side note, I'm not a big fan of Halloween, I didn't grow up celebrating it and it seems weird to me that I try and teach my kids to be grateful every other day of the year but this day I teach them to be greedy with complete strangers.  I've nothing really against the origins-if you don't like them, I suggest really researching them, you might be surprised.  Besides, if I was against changing the roots of something my hair would look considerably more depressing and I wouldn't be able to celebrate most holidays which would obviously go against my aforementioned generation's love of blowing them out of proportion.  But I do just think Halloween is a little odd.  So, we trick or treat only in our neighborhood, to about a dozen houses, as a way to get to know our neighbors better. Last year we started the tradition of having our girls give out thank you cards to people as we trick or treat-which people LOVE-and which Evelyn remembered and did all on her own this year. Well. That's it.  My side notes are other people's blogs.)

So we were only out for a little bit!  But we went with friends and although Max was stressed, our power did come back on after just a few hours, all in all a good time.  Happy First Halloween Baby :)

We went from Halloween and putting away candles to getting ready for our first social worker visit. Not very first of course, we had one before we were cleared to adopt, but our first post placement report is due at the end of the month-to our state, not to Ukraine-so visit we did.  I think I would have been a bit stressed regardless because of course having someone come into your home to at least sort of evaluate you is nerve wracking.  But I was really coming off a super hard week with Max and that made it just seem surreal.  Adoption is a funny funny thing.  I love Max, but I don't know him.  Not the way I knew my girls at 16 months, and not even the way I knew them at 2 months (which is how long we've been home.) What's more challenging is that not only does he not know us-he doesn't trust us. Because he doesn't trust anyone.  Because people have always just let him down. And while that breaks my heart on an emotional level, on a practical, day to day care level, it makes everything really hard.  But even just saying that out loud helped and whether Max has done better the last few days due to my attempts at being more connected, or whether God's just throwing me a soft ball right now, I'll take it.  The last few days have felt refreshing and positive-exhausting still because someone doesn't like sleeping during the night and is very needy during the day. Bard. Sheesh.  But it's amazing the world of difference attitude can make in the mundane of life.

And, good news always helps with that so the doctor today was wonderful!  We just went in to fill out a form for our PPR (post placement report, did you miss all my adoption jargon?!) But the doctor-who saw Max when we first got home on September 4th-commented over and over again on how much progress he has made!  His tone is better, he is much stronger, much more engaged, his exact word was "Amazing!" Moms really like to hear that :) Especially stressed out sleep deprived moms! And best of all, in two months Max has gained 1 pound 7 ounces and grown an impressive 1.8 inches-some of the wakefulness at night could be due to growing pains-I've never grown two inches in two months but it seems like it might be a tad painful.  Since my life revolves around feeding this kid, I was really glad to hear that the Dr thought his growth was remarkable.  Now off to buy some more coconut oil...

One Month, Government Officials and Health Updates

Okay, so when I set out to write this blog, we had just hit the milestone for being home one month! Now, two weeks later, I guess the gist of the blog is-we're busy :)

First jog!

Let's see, what have we done in the last 6 weeks?  Both girls started school, piano lessons, and dance class.  I started teaching dance class again, helped my dad with a huge fundraising event (well, why not?!), Bard went back to work, we finished the painting and gutters on the house, took Max to a million doctor's appointments and spent $40, 000 at Target.

Okay. I might be exaggerating, but seriously, the kid goes through diapers and food like Donald Trump adopted him, not Mr and Mrs Brokey McBrokerson!

But, I have to say it's quite fortuitous (don't be too impressed I spelled it wrong on the first try) that I am writing this at 6 weeks instead of 4 or even 5 weeks home.  In just the past week Max has taken some huge leaps-he seems determined to prove some of those naysayers wrong.  Go Max Go!  Although eating is still a huge ordeal, he is getting faster and has adapted to mush that has a bit more texture-think oatmeal or chunky ground up spaghetti. We've even discovered two favorites-Spinach Blueberry Pear and Oatmeal, and Squash, Sweet Potato, Banana, and Avocado, (that's pretty good, Bard and I ate some!)  We're still working on getting anything hard into his mouth, but he holds his bottle pretty well now so between that and eating faster, I now have about 15 minutes of free time a day.

Wahoo!

Typical man, hogging the remote ;)

His next biggest step, literally, is his steps. Don't you love the overuse of words in our culture?!  In just one week Max went from not being able to sit on his knees, to mastering that and then moving on to pulling himself up, standing, cruising, and I've now seen him climb the first couple of steps 2 or 3 times.  IN ONE WEEK!!!!  It's all that spinach :)

Sleeping is okay, better but not great-probably the same as most 16 month olds (happy birthday Max!) And we've started to notice some attachment and awareness issues. He gets agitated or anxious in new situations and then is clingy with us.  This may sound like a step back but because he was so used to constant change, he just checked out whenever we took him some place new.  He would explore and be mobile, but totally disengaged from any people-including us.  The fact that he now feels stability in our regular routine-so notices something different-and turns to us for reassurance is huge!

Max-stealing bread from the Ukrainian Delegate.

I love the adoption community because everyone bonds over these baby steps and knows exactly what we're going through.  At our one month mark we were able to share this journey with other adoptive families in the area-all who adopted from Russia, Ukraine, Eastern Europe, or Central Asia (basically former Soviet countries, so lots in common.)  Our State Department invited adoptive families to come meet with government officials who were traveling from Ukraine, Moldova, even Kazakhstan!!! (If you have really followed this blog, you'll know why that was slightly hilarious for me.)  The officials wanted to see how the adoption process was going in our country, check out foster care, and of course our government really wanted to show all the success stories that have come out of these countries.  

It was an incredible experience-we met families who were right where we are now (Max was the youngest by at least several years), and talked with a Ukrainian official who knew our in country team and had even reviewed Max's file.  How crazy is that?!  I'm looking forward to more gatherings and deeper connections as time goes on; every family there, even the ones I didn't speak with, are a blessing and encouragement to me.

Of course, everyone was curious about Max, especially because he is so young. We are very curious about him too...and he seems to want to keep it that way!  We have been to our pediatrician (twice), the adoption doctor at UW, the heart specialist, started Occupational Therapy, start Physical Therapy tomorrow, have appointments for vision, hearing, and genetic tests, have turned in blood work, and tomorrow will be dropping off another sample of...let's just say something stinky :/  So far there are no surprises, just doctors who want more tests and more information.  

Dear Insurance Company, 

HA!

The blood work came back clean and the OT therapist says he is doing pretty well-all things considered!  The cardiologist didn't want to talk about surgery until he's gained some weight and had genetic testing done, so we go back in 3 months.  UW said get a bunch of tests and then come back and see us.  Pretty much every day I'm either at a doctor's appointment or on the phone with their office.  Is it bad to have Multi Care's number memorized?  Yes. Yes it is.  But, he has gained over a pound and grown over an inch, and did I mention that in one week he learned to sit on his knees, pull himself up, and start cruising on furniture? Oh I did?  Good.

Max, if you eat solids, I'll let you have that whole
box of Ukrainian chocolate!

Okay, let's see, I must be forgetting a milestone. . .Oh YES!  The one where I stay home with all three kids BY MYSELF for four days while Bard goes on a business trip to Pittsburgh!!  That is a big milestone :)  We were kind of bummed since it's so important to bond right now and even though we Skyped with Bard, I'm not sure if Max was excited to see him or just thrilled to pound on the keyboard.  Or both. Bard comes home tonight (actually, early Friday morning :/) and surprisngly it's been a pretty good week.  I've eaten Ukrainian chocolate, American chocolate, and British chocolate, there was minimal yelling (by all concerned), and we even made it out of the house on time each morning.  Of course that's because each night I laid out all our clothes, made Evelyn's lunch, prepped the girls' breakfasts, laid out things for my breakfast, made sure all the dishes were clean and put away, set the coffee pot, and. . .ate a lot of chocolate.  Come home Bard!

Six weeks.  Max now is the emotional age of a 6 week old baby.  It's a little amazing to think about, a week ago I was losing my mind-going insane-crying on the landing-freaking out.  But just like a newborn, Max is undergoing drastic changes, ups and downs, unbelievable milestones.  And just like a first time parent of a newborn, so am I.

Down and Dirty

When you are in labor, to get through the hellish pain (oh, are you pregnant, sorry, it's just a beautiful moment of being a woman, you don't even notice the screaming that's coming out of your own mouth) the delivery team will tell you, "Focus on the baby being born."  Imagine holding her, seeing her-anything to get you to visualize being OUT of the moment you are IN.

That works like crap.

Okay, no, it does work some. With Evelyn, who decided not to tuck her chin, I pushed for three hours.  That is obscene, and while I was pushing I would say, "Out, out, come out."  No really, I did, ask Bard!  And sure enough, 3 and a half hours later, she did! And my first words after the birth of my first child? "She came out!" Of course, my chant had morphed into something like, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY GET THAT HORRIBLE CHILD OUT OF ME!!" Honestly, for me, that's nurturing, and we were just bonding.

Yes, babies who are super messy have to wear
their sisters' hand me down bibs!

If I ever write an adoption book (uh, hello, you're reading it!) I would tell adoptive parents to do the opposite.  You know that child who is now spitting at you, screaming because you are trying to feed him, going through 6 bibs, 6 wash clothes, 3 burp rags, 8 diapers, two outfits, and a partridge in a pear tree every day?  You know the one who is waking up in the night screaming?  You know the one who has you at a different doctor's appointment every day, cleaning spit up off the carpet, changing your clothes, did I mention screaming every time you try and feed him?  Which, if you are counting bibs you know is 6 times.  Every. Day.  All. Day.  That child.  That child is your paper baby.  That child is the one you prayed over, you sobbed for, you bled and broke and doubted and screamed for.

Everyone tells you all through the paper chase that this is the easy part of adoption, that when you come home and are trying not to scream at the child who is screaming at you, that is when the hard part really starts.  In fact, we were told that almost daily.  And not once did we listen because, that is just ridiculous.  You know when you take your wedding vows and the pastor is saying "Blah blah blah-it will be hard-blah blah blah-choose to love something or other blah"? Did any of you listen to that blah blah?  Yeah, I have it on video somewhere.

So of course (am I saying of course a lot?) Bard and I got in a big fight last weekend because I have barely had more than 4 hours of sleep in the last month (maybe if someone hadn't decided to give us all the flu before we took custody of a small needy child I might have been more rested, but I'm not sure because someone at our wedding told us to blah blah not keep score, blah.)  You see, I just wanted a Fair cookie.  Oh yes Tacoma, you know what I'm talking about!  A big, gooey, soft, chocolate chip cookie from the Puyallup Fair!  And lo and behold, we happened to be at the Fair-perfect!  So (as came up in our argument) Bard wanted scones-we got scones.  Bard wanted BBQ, we got BBQ.  Never mind the fact that I like those foods too, that does not fit into this argument at all. On our way out, I sent Bard to buy cookies-one for the girls to share, one for me, and maybe one for him, and yes, I did in fact specify that very amount.  So imagine my surprise, nay, utter disbelief when Bard came back with just one cookie and said we could all share because they cost 4 dollars. Um, yes, add several zeroes to that 4 and you have our adoption WHICH IS THE VERY REASON I NEED MY OWN HUGE COOKIE!

Well, I was dutifully snippy about it and we went home, got through the rest of the day, and then had at it.  To sum up, Bard was frustrated that I was cranky all the time and I was frustrated that he was frustrated that I was cranky all the time  My life had been transformed into the mundanest of mundane-laundry, lack of sleep, and loud children.  I had no energy for anything beyond spit up and was determined to wallow in the mud of self pity.  So I told Bard that the one little treat I get is some yummy dessert at the end of the day when it's quiet and I can sit by myself and not having anyone demanding millions of dirty and annoying tasks from me!  And he had taken that away! He did realize that I am not getting any sleep and that my days are long and pathetic.  But he didn't totally get it because he pointed out the fact that there was still a huge part of cookie sitting in the kitchen for me and why didn't I go enjoy it now. As disdainfully as can be I answered the obvious,

"BECAUSE IT'S MOCKING ME!!!"

And apparently I am not as ornery as I strive to be, since I could not resist giggling which made Bard crack up laughing.  But that's okay, because clearly I had gotten the last word!

So back to labor.  Now that I've had the baby, I need to remember my labor pains. All that work, all that stress, all those prayers-that's what got me my new title - "Queen of spitty screamy non sleepy babies." Weirdly, that has helped me feel a bit better.  So has sleeping on the couch. But it's a good reminder-we chose this path. We chose this child.  We would choose hom again.  And again.  And again.  The harder part is that when you have your paper baby, you can be angry at all sorts of people.  All the delays and money, they are all someone else's fault, someone far far away, and you can complain til the cows come home about them because everyone understands corruption and government incompetence.  And don't even get me started on foreign governments. :)

Now those people are all gone. There's no paper.  It's just baby.  So you can be mad at baby.  And you can be mad at cookie stealing husband.  Neither option really makes you feel better and they definitely don't help you to visualize anything different, getting out of the moment you are in. Much like my little cookie (okay, it was still the size of two regular cookies, but that is not the point people!) I will focus on little treats.

Cici reading to Max :)

Max only cried twice while I was feeding him and it took a half hour instead of 40 minutes. Yes I had to blow on his face to get him to smile, constantly wave shiny objects to distract him, chatter incessantly like an idiot, give him a spoon of his own so he could drop it on the floor for me to pick up 8 jillion times. But my blood pressure stayed where it is supposed to be, and so did his.  And I probably burned a ton of calories-which will help me with my little dessert habit.

Max gained 11 ounces in two weeks (take that screaming baby!) which is great! We saw the adoption specialist yesterday and he gave us a bunch of referrals to help us walk through some of the health issues.

Max does not need to eat at night anymore! He apparently needs to scream sometimes, but that is to be expected and has dwindled as well.

Max has started sitting up on his knees and is reaching for things above him.  He holds a spoon easily now, without looking like Mr Burns anymore, and more than once Max has crawled into another room on his own, exploring without fear just like any other child.

Max easily engages with his sisters and will even crawl over to them, which leads me to his biggest milestone. . .drum roll please!

Max started swimming class and LOVED it!

Max is crawling on is hands and knees, not army style on his stomach anymore!  We've been home three weeks tomorrow-and that is pretty impressive for just a few weeks of good nutrition, a little love, and a lot of room to act like a little boy.

We had a relatively peaceful day today-barely any screaming from anyone-and lots of sweet moments like Cici coloring a picture for Max and Evelyn playing with him after dinner. Oh, she apparently taught him to crawl, who knew?!  I'm tired, but hey, what mom of three children isn't exhausted by 8pm? And I'm thankful for little treats.  I knew it would be hard.  And I did it anyway.  It's not surprising that this is a huge challenge but that doesn't really make it less of a challenge.  I can go to bed tonight, looking back on all the hard work and the little boy it brought us, and looking forward to all the hard work, and the little boy who is worth it, always.

And, I may not even need my dessert time.  Although, let's not get crazy.  Baby steps people, baby steps.

What now? - Home for a week.

I really can't spend a lot of time writing this blog because today is a two piece chocolate cake kind of day and the slice in the fridge needs me to eat it before jet lag hits too strong and I can't enjoy its fudgy goodness anymore!

So. We have been home for five days now and have adjusted back to our normal routine of daily Target runs quite well. But what is life like and what do the next few weeks hold for Max? It's funny how much difference even a few days can make, especially considering what this kid is adjusting to-us, a new language, new food, time difference, routine. Just Sunday I was stressing about Max being on a schedule. With school starting it would be really difficult for him to nap willy nilly. But within  just five days of moving across the world-nap time schedule-check. Tomorrow marks two weeks since Max joined our family and I traumatized him by offering the poor child cold yogurt.  I've been pulling my hair out at the frustration of his food needing to be warm before he would keep it in his stubborn little mouth for longer than a second.  This morning I gave him cold yogurt (gasp, don't tell the nannies!) right out of the fridge and he ate it up like nothing's nothing.  His bottle can be room temperature now and although he still is a disaster when eating, it's a manageable disaster, not def con five.  Honestly, I'm just not a fan of this eating stage.  I didn't like it with Evelyn or Cecilia, and I don't like it now.  It's very limiting, they can't do anything for themselves, going places during a scheduled meal is difficult, and feeding takes forever and is super messy.

Football season-a great excuse for
coordinating outfits!

I think I have bought bibs every day this week.

I'm angry that he is in this phase solely because the orphanage chose to keep him on an all liquid diet.  It's not fair for him and means that he has some catching up to do. But, we give him a spoon to hold while feeding him and today he lifted it to his mouth.  We put tiny bits of food on his tray and give him a few bites with every meal. He seems to think that half a centimeter size of banana means we're trying to poison him, but I feel confident he'll learn and won't start first grade while still eating Gerber. We also put his hands on his bottle several times while he is drinking it-which he also takes as bad parenting, but as anyone who has met can attest, I am more stubborn than all ya'll and he will learn too-choose your battles Max, choose your battles.

Healthy, independent eating habits and coordinating outfits are always going to be losing battles for you-go for something else, like can your favorite color be green. Sure babe, whatever you want!

That brings us up to today.  After a whirlwind few days (ha, few months!) of family dinners and shopping extravaganzas, we started today off by saying goodbye to Dada :(  Bard went back to work and left me seriously outnumbered by chatty children.  But you know what, we did okay?! Yes, I had to bleach my bathtub after chunks from Mr Poopy Pants showed up where they most definitely DO NOT belong. Yes, I just discovered today that my preschooler does not in fact start school tomorrow but on Friday. Yes, I am so mind numbingly tired that as Evelyn would say, "My body is pulling me because it wants to lay down and go to sleep."  But when we left the house this morning, we had everything we needed, the dishes were d

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Okay, so that is where I fell asleep while blogging...on Tuesday...it is now Saturday.

Hello jet lag!!

And while I would love to fill you in on the week, I barely remember it :)  However, I will say that Evelyn and Cecilia started school without a hitch (on the right days) and outnumbered or not, I already told you, the coordinating outfit is a battlefield I will die on. And in just several more days, Max has already hit more milestones-he slept through the last two nights without waking to eat, he is freaking out marginally less when I dare to put something that is not mush in his mouth, and he held his own bottle (it only had two ounces in it and may have been an accident, but baby steps people, baby steps!)  And I've had my own milestones-taking all three children to the Dr-and surviving, loading and unloading all three children without once regretting the super good decision to NOT buy a minivan-take that suburbia, and of course, not becoming a stay at home alcoholic while I juggle doctors appointments, cleaning, washing four million bibs (note to self, buy more bibs), naps, eating my desserts, uploading 8 thousand pictures, school lunches, and falling asleep on the couch by 8pm at night.  The last one is cutting into my dessert goal.

Here's a question.  I am still eating 2 desserts a day but no longer walking 6 miles a day.  Does anyone have a formula to predict how long it takes me to gain 50 pounds?

So life is settling into a semi normal, but is that it for us?  Food and sleep transitions and then we're good?

No.  I'm not sure if life ever settles into a new kind of normal after an international adoption, but it definitely won't be the case anytime soon for us.  Max is unchartered territory and our main job right now is to explore, discover, and claim ownership.

I am unwritten

Can't read my mind, I'm undefined

I'm just beginning

Pen's in my hand, ending's unplanned

Loving his new swing!

We were given four separate diagnoses when we were first met Max.  One was dismissed immediately by our Dr at the UW International Adoption Clinic (if you are adopting CONTACT them.)  Another was shown to not have any merit fairly early on, and a third was declared better by our own pediatrician when we took Max in on Tuesday to have his cough checked out (TB test came back negative as well.)  So you would think that would be very good news-and it is-it's just that the 4th diagnosis is the doozy and we also have three new issues to worry about-and believe me-they're worrisome.

Staring at the blank page before you

Open up the dirty window

Let the sun illuminate the words

That you could not find

Sometimes I look at Max and wonder what on earth is going to happen to him. Other times I just see a regular little boy who needs a lot of food, a lot of love, and a lot of  time so that he can just be regular-for the first time in his little life. The labels frustrate me.  I've never liked all the "women are so and so and men are such and such" books.  I think I blogged a while ago about being annoyed that since I am "Type A" I can't possibly be "Creative" or a "Visionary."  

Uh. . . .Dance much?

And if labels about myself are irritating then guess what happens when you mix them with a protective mom who just moved heaven and Putin to adopt her son?! (Sidenote, very soon I have a blog coming that is song lyrics all about Putin, I call it my "Putin Monster Mash Up"  I am pretty sure it will be my greatest accomplishment.  Ever.)  But the fact is, Max is very small, and that is a concern. He has a heart defect and will likely need surgery at some point. It would be surprising if his birth mom didn't drink while pregnant, and it's hard to tell right now if his delays are due to institutionalization or f we'll be dealing with other issues later on down the road.

Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

But today he giggled uncontrollably as his sister tickled him in the car.  And he crawled from the front room to the kitchen-going into another room on his own-a big step for someone who played in the same 8x8 room with 10 other children for the first year of his life.  And he ate a blueberry.  And he looked at me while I gave him his bottle-a big step for someone who has been ignored by just about every other adult in his life.

I don't know what Max's life is going to look like.  I don't know if he'll need surgery next month or next year. I don't know when he'll learn to talk or what challenges he'll face as he approaches milestone after milestone.  But I do know one thing. 

I am his mom.

Whatever the battle may be, I choose Max.  I will get tired (uh, I am tired.)  I will be angry and I will be sad. I will loose my patience and my sanity more times than I can count, but I will get up and loose them all over again.  Honestly, I've done all that with my two children, known since birth.  The frustration they brought out in me, the downright I-am-going-to-scream-because-I-am-so-angry-and-I-never-even-knew-I had-a-temper-before-I-had-children-feeling of utterly losing it, well, let's just say I must have missed that chapter in "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

You can't know your children.  And you know what, I don't think you're supposed to. Hey, if this is coming from a control freak, you should highlight that sentence. Maybe print it out first, but whatever. This is what I know about my kids.  They're mine.  All three of them.  So yes they will drive me crazy, but I get to return that favor and besides that, they're mine to love.  That love may look a little different for Max than it does for his sisters, as I sit in hospitals or physical therapy.  But it's all love, just the same.

That's my new normal.

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful

Psalm 139

Celebrating 2 months since we met Max.

Whew.

Flying as a family of FIVE!

I went to Target yesterday and it was so quiet I could hear voices in my head.  No, seriously, for almost 7 weeks straight I have spent all my waking minutes with 2, then 3 needy, talkative children. Constantly in demand, constantly asked questions, barraged by little people and all the background noise that comes with them.

Then.  Quiet. My brain didn't even know what to do with the silence so it just rambled on with voices filtering in and out of my consciousness. Taking away the silence.

I think that's exactly where I'm at right now.  I just did something huge.

Huge.

First time flyer!

But there are only a  few moments when I've paused, and said, 'I just lived in Ukraine for 6 weeks while adopting a child that is the fruition of a 12 year long dream."  Because as soon as I stop and say that, and then look around to see if that actually happened, it's too much.  The silence is overwhelming.  I need to put away laundry, buy baby wipes, feed Max. Background noise breaks through and seeps into the contemplative moments.  And of course I'm completely exhausted.  Jet lag seeps into everything I do-in fact, I fell asleep in between writing that sentence and then one above!

Before I fall asleep again, I want to share the last moments of our adoption:  the journey home.

Thursday morning we woke and in darkness drove to the airport while listening to the news that Putin had officially invaded Ukraine.  Nikolai was kind enough to help with our luggage and after we made it through security Bard and I drank lattes while watching them load our luggage onto the plane.   This was really happening, we were taking Max home with us!  It didn't even seem real, Cici had asked the night before if we were still allowed to keep Max.

Yes.

The flight to Frankfurt was uneventful Lufthansa airlines plied us with pacifier holders and puppets. Germany has got this capitalism thing down. Of course they were trying to make up for the fact that once in Frankfurt they would make us disembark onto the tarmac and load onto an over full bus that delivered us right back to the terminal we had spent seven hours in just six weeks ago.   Evelyn said, "Wouldn't it be funny if we watched Frozen here again, just like we did before?" No.  It.  Would.  Not.

Then, to really make sure we did not buy into that German efficiency stereotype, they made us carry our luggage down three flights of stairs, onto another bus, off to the tarmac, and up another flight of stairs where a flight attendant tried to give me a Lufthansa pacifier holder and Cars beach ball.

Listen lady...

Now for the ten hour flight. The girls were in movie heaven.  And aside from the fact that I didn't sleep, the food was death in my mouth disgusting, and my poor little boy had no idea what it meant to be rocked to sleep, or why I would dare try to put anything even remotely lukewarm in his mouth-the flight went pretty well.  And if I wanted to feel bad for myself, I could just look at the lady in front of me who had three children the same ages as our own.  By herself.  And they did great.

Dang German efficiency.

Bring me my Mcnuggets!

We were all exhausted but exhilarated as the plane touched down and we cheered to welcome America's newest citizen-Max Luippold.  Who marked the occasion by sleeping.  See, he's already a typical American child-ungrateful ;) Customs and immigration were really not that bad, it was just that by that point we'd been awake for 20 hours straight-after only 4 hours of sleep.  But they welcomed Max to America and off we went, loading three children into our car for the first of 8 million times!

Max arrived to his new home, met his new grandma and grandpa, and ate his first meal  an American citizen-berry mix and oat cereal.  Hey, give me a beak, I'll get the kid to McDonalds as soon as I can!  He didn't know it, but he had just walked into the first loving home he's ever known.  Went to sleep in a bed that was bought especially for him, and was fed by family who will not rotate out every few months but stay and love him forever.

I don't know if he's ever felt love like that, I don't even know if you have, but let me tell you, there's nothing like it in the world. We walked into our home and were welcomed by Ukrainian decorations.  Big sister banners over the girls doors, our first family photo framed and on the mantle, frozen meals in the fridge, snacks for us and Max on the counter. After enduring three hours off World War 3 to get the girls to stay up and eat dinner, we all crashed and had a good night's sleep.  I woke and decided to stress about things I needed for Max.  We were almost out of wipes.  I only had two bowls.  He didn't have any more clean onesies.  Then I remembered the amazing ladies who had thrown me a baby shower the weekend before we left.  I looked through the gifts.  Oh, wipes.  Oh, bowls.  Bottles.  Toys. Clothes. Snacks.  I sat in my room, looking at all the gifts, at his welcome home sign decorated with the Ukrainian flag, and cried.

Max, this is love.

Ukrainian Love

I spent a $120 at Target on baby food,  clothes, cereal, bibs, and more.  And paid for it all with gift cards. And cried. I checked my email (Hello Verizon SIM card, welcome back!) and saw people signing up to bring us meals over the next week.  And cried.  On the way to Target I drove past two ladies sitting outside a coffee shop.  It brought tears to my eyes because they just don't even know how blessed they are to live in a country that is not at war, that is not bankrupt, that is not in fear.  We are all blessed.  And I am blessed most of all.

When you step outside of yourself and follow a path that cannot be walked alone, you give people the opportunity to walk with you. And there is no fellowship sweeter than that of friends who are really, truly, there for each other.

This is love.

Last Post from Ukraine!!

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go.

 

Well okay, I forgot to pack my toiletries bag into my luggage, and doing so may cause it to burst at the seams, but that's what duct tape is for, right?!

 

THIS IS IT PEOPLE!!!

 

It's 4pm, we are eating our last Oliva pizza for dinner, giving Mr Stinky Pants a bath, Roman and his family are coming over to get the crib and say goodbye, then the girls go to bed, we go to bed, and then wake up (very soon after), and leave!  Our flight leaves at 5:45am for Frankfurt and then just a quick layover this time before the ten hour-I-wonder-how-we-will-all-do-on-that-plane-trip back to Home Sweet Home!

Goodbye Maidan!

 

Am I excited?!

 

We had a rough night with Stinker-more getting used to his transition from orphanage feeding styles-and are still feeling a bit under the weather.  But we left at 9am with Jenya to go get his medical form and then back to that little bit of American soil.  We had to wait and Bard was in the bathroom when they called us up so I went to the counter and there it was-his American Visa.  Do you know how hard it is to get an American Visa?  I almost cried, it was so beautiful and the last step in such a rigorous journey.  The lady reminded me of what I've known for months, as soon as our plane touches down, he will be an American citizen.

 

Do you know how beautiful that is?

 

We stopped by St Andrews descent on the way home because somehow I always need a few more gifts.  Then poor Jenya's car wouldn't start so we walked home.  Which was fine because we've made that walk dozens of times.  It was more than fine, we got to say goodbye.  Goodbye Queen Olga Statue. Goodbye St Michael's.  Goodbye St Sophia.  Goodbye suit store.  Goodbye old apartment.  Goodbye Produkti Store.  Goodbye O Bryans Pub.  The girls got into this game and it was fun but bittersweet.

 

I. Can. Not. Wait. To. Get. Home.

 

But saying goodbye is hard, especially when this country is now part of who we are as a family.

 

We returned "home" and the kiddos had some quiet time while I packed like a whirling dervish.  I was a little stressed, especially about getting Babushka Olga's 3 jars of preserves she gave us safely into the suitcase.  But I think we're good!  One last trip through Maidan, ice cream in hand, marveling at the changes that have occurred in this beautiful square during a few short weeks.  One last meandering trip through the subway mall, where I actually told Bard which direction to go-it only took six weeks people! And one last walk up the hill to our apartment.

 

Goodbye Kiev Inn!

Now here we are.  We arrived in Kyiv almost exactly 6 weeks ago.  As I told my favorite vendor Alex yesterday, now we live here.  This trip has changed more than just the number in our family.  It has changed us, deeply.  We see more.  We feel more.  We know more. We are more grateful.  I love this country.  As the plane takes off tomorrow I will cry tears of gratitude and tears of grieving.  Thank you for walking with us through this chapter in our lives.  I know there are many more to come, but this was a huge one.  It sounds cliché, but we couldn't have done it without you-you are beautiful and you have touched our lives more than you will ever know.  Thank you for everything, and if I can humbly ask for more, please continue traveling with our family as we welcome Max back home.  It's a whole new beginning, mysterious, challenging, a softening.

 

I can't wait.

 

Hello Hello

I don't know why you say goodbye I say hello

Hello Hello