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| Non Pink Court |
No really. All day we talked about toilets. (If that makes no sense whatsoever to you, please read here.
It was a slightly underwhelming culmination of what started almost exactly two years ago-our adoption journey to meet Max. December 2012 will go down in my history as one of my Least Favorite Things. We faced stress in nearly every area of our lives and then to top it off Putin fulfilled his destiny of becoming a world class ass hole-you can read this-to explain the whole sob story. But, I promise this is not a "Best of" blog, and to sum up the next year and a half, I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that the theme of every post was, waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor
Last year at Christmas time, I really believed that we would have our son with us to celebrate in 2014. Honestly, I couldn't see it, and had no idea how it would happen, but I just kept going. Right on to another country in fact, our third, but in this case-third time was a charming little boy named Max! I cannot stress enough how drastically our lives changed in the last year. This weekend Bard and I went on our first real date since traveling to Ukraine. We saw the Hobbit movie (yes, I am a Tolkien nerd) and it reminded me that last year we saw the Hobbit movie at Christmas time too (yes, I am a Tolkien nerd.) Afterwards we joked that during the movie both of us kept thinking there was another Hobbit movie and then couldn't remember how may we had already seen-1, 2, 3, who knew?! But I sat in the movie theatre and thought to myself, they are wrapping this up pretty quick, there must be more conflict coming soon!
You put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking out the door!
That's kinda what court was like on Friday-it seemed like there should be more. It is for good reason that people equate the paperwork and travel part of adoption to being in pregnant and in labor. When I was pregnant I complained, was frustrated, in pain, and more than a little cranky. And I would tell anyone who asked. And when I was in labor. Well. Let's just say after Cici Bard and I had a funny little conversation about how much I screamed. Apparently a lot. But NOW, if you ask me about my pregnancies or labor, I normally start with a laugh, throw my head back a little and say with a smile, "Oh yeah, I was miserable!" I didn't even have drugs but maybe someone slipped me some magical hallucinogens that make that whole painful experience appear suddenly ridiculous and remembered with a fond smile and a tilt of the head.
Weird, right?
So, if you had found me on the subway in Kyiv when I was carrying 40 pounds of groceries for three more stops in 96 degree weather with 100% humidity, I would have snapped your head off and given anything to go home. Odd, since even as I write this I'm smiling and wish I could go back to Kyiv! Last week I was even cracking up remembering how we all had the stomach flu for our last two weeks in country and vomited our heads off. Oh, so hilarious.
You never will get where you're going
If ya never get up on your feet.
Now that we're actually here, where we wanted to be, it's not romanticized any more. It's just real life. Even the court reasons and proceedings were much more mundane than our Ukraine experience. While of course we were required to go to court in Ukraine to legally adopt Max and bring him home, that is not the case with readoption. Max already is our son and was a US citizen from the moment he landed in Seattle-he loves Nirvana, coffee, and rain, just ask him! The readoption is simply so he has a US birth certificate which can make school paperwork, travel, legal issues, etc easier. So, meh. And of course there was no hurrying and waiting, no wondering if the judge would say yes, no toilet drama, and sheesh, the courthouse wasn't even pink.
Come on, there's a good tall wind blowin
And a fast walking man is hard to beat.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that we were able to readopt Max here, and I'm blown away by everything that it stands for-the final step in our adoption process. After two years, to have made it to this place, step after step, forwards, backwards, sideways, crawling, it's an honor to be here. But, during this advent season, I am struck by the truth that waiting and waiting and preparing and being ready do not always lead you where you think you are going. What you may think is going to come and what actually comes might not be the same thing.
Long lay the world...
Pining.
Probably because far too often we get caught up in the smallness of ourselves. We may imagine that we have created a big dream and are moving toward its fulfillment, but the reality is actual change often overwhelms us. We are left unable to see that the new Truth unfolding before us is far greater than we could have imagined, and far more worth the effort. I never would have chosen the stress of the last three months. I never would have wanted to see the ugliness, the weakness, the stubborness that lack of sleep and demanding children bring out in me. Because I never would choose to deliberately put myself through hardship, I would never have the chance to see the joy that comes through on the other side. Watching Max overcome simple struggles that for him are mountains brings up my own struggles that are like icebergs-tiny on the surface, deadly underneath.
Probably because far too often we get caught up in the smallness of ourselves. We may imagine that we have created a big dream and are moving toward its fulfillment, but the reality is actual change often overwhelms us. We are left unable to see that the new Truth unfolding before us is far greater than we could have imagined, and far more worth the effort. I never would have chosen the stress of the last three months. I never would have wanted to see the ugliness, the weakness, the stubborness that lack of sleep and demanding children bring out in me. Because I never would choose to deliberately put myself through hardship, I would never have the chance to see the joy that comes through on the other side. Watching Max overcome simple struggles that for him are mountains brings up my own struggles that are like icebergs-tiny on the surface, deadly underneath.
O come O come Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.
Terrified.
Troubled.
When faced with the sight of their dream right before them, this is how the shepherds and all of Jerusalem responded. Throughout the ensuing years that entire region shuddered with the hardship of laying down one dream to pick up another.
Greater. Simpler.
I think I get into trouble when I want the dream to be epic, glamorous, visible. And actually, during those moments, I look pretty good. Me. I do. But the small, serving, simple moments are what break me. Cleaning vomit was not part of my dream. Being up all night. Repeating the same mundane tasks over and over again.
Greater. Simpler.
I think I get into trouble when I want the dream to be epic, glamorous, visible. And actually, during those moments, I look pretty good. Me. I do. But the small, serving, simple moments are what break me. Cleaning vomit was not part of my dream. Being up all night. Repeating the same mundane tasks over and over again.
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| Advent, 2014 |
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting Light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in Thee tonight.
I guess I'll have to wait and see what exactly I've been waiting for. . .The dream is maybe not what I can do for a child, but what a child can do for me. This blog is as much about my growth as it is Max's growth. Right now Max's growth is much more visible than mine. And some days I can't see how I will change, I don't know how it will happen. But I will keep going.
If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don't be the rule be the exception
The best way to start is to stand.
Put one foot in front of the other. . .
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