Crib first!

I can't believe I forgot one of her biggest firsts! Last week she slept in her crib-in her room-for the first time! Her room is right across the hall from us, practically connected, but still, it was a huge move. It came about for several reasons. One, she actually was starting to grow out of her moses basket and it was getting a little hard to put her in and take her out. That seems crazy to me because when we first put her in it I remember thinking how small she looked and that wasn't too long ago. The second reason for her move was her noises. Everyone loves the cute little noises she makes while she sleeps, darling coos, little growls and grunts, and gentle sighs. I love those noises too, they're absolutely adorable and I know that when she stops making them, I'll miss them. However, at three am they wake me up! Typically she starts making little noises for about a half hour before she actually fully wakes up and wants to eat. But I wake up at her first gurgle and then lay there in a state of semi consciousness pretty much just waiting for her to wake up so I can feed her and then go back to sleep. I held out for seven weeks before that just got to be too much. So, a few nights ago I laid her down in her crib and then stood back and watched her (she was asleep). I walked to the door and then stood there for a few more minutes. Then I walked to our bedroom door and stood there for a few more minutes. Then I looked at Bard for empathy. He was reading in bed, seemingly oblivious to our daughter's big milestone. I walked back to her room (two steps). Then I came back to our room. Then I sighed so he would know to respond-that always works! In the end she slept just fine in her crib and after three days I took the moses basket and put it in her closet, thinking how sad and lonely that corner looked now. Bard was actually touched by that too (don't let him deny it!) So now our daughter sleeps in her crib in her own room like the big 8 week old she is.

More firsts

Thank you all for your prayers and concerns, I'm all over my cold and feel great. Best of all Evelyn didn't get sick. This past week saw several more firsts that I wanted to share.

1. First time being sick while caring for her-boy am I glad that is over!


2. She wore her 0-3 month clothes for the first time-she has only been wearing newborn clothes until now. Although she is still too small to fit into most of them, it's amazing to think she'll be 8 weeks on Tuesday. She is almost growing out of some of her onesies and I'm sure that before I know it she'll be off at the mall buying her own clothes. So I'll put her in as much pink as possible before that happens!


3. First dance recital. Okay, so she didn't dance : ) But I took her to the YMCA for the first time-I'm not returning to teaching dance until August. We had an informal show over the weekend so all my students and co workers got to meet her for the first time. Bard was great at showing her off while I visited with everyone. Many of these women I've known for years, if not most of my life and they are like family to me. I look forward to having her grow up as a part of this great community.


4. First trip to daddy's work. Several wonderful women at World Vision threw a little shower for us so I took her to Bard's office and she got to meet many of the people he works with (with the noted exception of his coworkers in South Africa, Sweden, Russia, Philippines, etc!) She received the cutest clothes imaginable and I got to meet people I hadn't met before either. It was a great experience until the 40 minute drive home in rush hour traffic during which my daughter decided it would be cute to scream the whole time. Yes, I know you're thinking that most babies fall asleep in the car like perfect angels. Key word-most. MY daughter apparently hasn't heard that and so lately she has been crying whenever we put her in the carseat. I've decided to choose this battle and so am responding by putting her in it at least once a day. I figure she'll have to get used to it eventually. Unless she is actually more stubborn than me in which case we're both in for a lot of trouble regardless. You should probably pray for us : )


5. First momishness. Okay, so that's not a word, but I haven't worked in two months, so forgive me! This week I had my first feelings of "All I do is care for this child and clean the dishes, all day every day and this is what my life amounts too now." I have a post graduate education and used to have a job in which I trained leaders, planned events, and helped make important decisions. Now I watch Regis and Kelly, talk to an infant all day, clean up poop and consider myself productive if I've managed to shower, eat more than two meals, and maybe do one household task. What happened??!! Okay, okay, I know what I'm doing is of utmost importance and I treasure these moments, I really do, but it's a little weird to pull up to my suburbia house, in my subaru, pull her out of the back in her carseat and walk past the college kids who live next door, slowly realizing that I am no longer that college kid watching a mom with her baby. I honestly can't tell you when that transition happened, I remember going out on Friday and sleeping until 1pm like it was yesterday. Now I'm up at 2am, but for a very different reason!


6. First fists and smiles. She has found her fist and smiled many times before, but this week she began to make a regular habit of both actions and they became notable more deliberate. Watching her put her little hand in her mouth and suck on it, I think I have the smartest baby in the world. And watching her give me a big smile when she sees my face, I know I wouldn't trade places with those college kids for all the Friday nights out in the world.

Sick

Well, I knew it would happen eventually, I came down with a cold. I always guessed that it would be horrible to be sick and still have to care for a child, and I was right! I started to feel sick on Saturday and fortunately it's just your run of the mill head cold, but it's hard to get better when you're not getting any sleep and a tiny creature is sucking you energy out (literally!) every few hours. I think being sick really brings out the most difficult aspect of motherhood-being selfless. When you don't feel good you instinctively want to do less, sleep more and just focus on yourself. That is nearly impossible with a seven week old. It's a struggle to just eat a decent amount of food for the day, let alone care for myself when I'm not feeling well. These past few days have really been a test of my patience, endurance, maturity, and attitude. A test that I've both passed and failed. It's amazing to me how easy it is to get so frustrated at little things that in a normal world wouldn't matter, but in my baby defined world mean so much to me. I consider myself to be a fairly patient and rational person and it's discouraging to know that given the right set of circumstances I am completely capable of losing my temper just because my daughter, whom I cherish, is waking up again. And needs me again. I wrote about being constantly needed before. It's interesting. You might think that being the only one able to provide for her would make me feel important, gratified. Instead, her need of me makes me realize all to well my need of myself. Certainly my need of food and showers are hardly selfish, but are they worth getting upset over when they have to be delayed? And how about when I get upset over not being able to cut my fingernails, do a load of laundry, run an errand, take a walk, write a card, call a friend, or any number of other tasks ranging from unimportant to slightly less unimportant? It amazes me how easy it is to get caught up in the mundane tasks of life, placing undue value on them and allowing them to distract me from how beautiful it is that I have the opportunity to bond with my daughter. She is seven weeks today and many women in my position are back at work by this time. And although there are moments when I would love to be anywhere but here and would also love to have someone else holding her while she fusses, overall I am grateful for this time with her, especially because I know that God is using it to grow me as a person and teach me how to focus solely on someone else.

Mothers

Sheesh, it's to find time to post when you have a newborn! Anyway, last week was very special for us because Bard's mom and Grandma were able to come visit, seeing Evelyn for the first time! They were only here four days but the whole time was wonderful; full of so many special moments. I have to say I was a bit nervous because I knew we would be doing a lot and I've been trying to take it easy-you know, sleep when the baby sleeps and all that. I was also nervous about how Evelyn would do, if she would be fussy or get upset by doing so much and being thrown off her regular routine. My fears, as usual, never materialized and everything went great. We were able to spend such meaningful time with Bard's family, we didn't overdo it, and Evelyn was an angel. I was so touched by how thoughtful Bard's mom and grandma were with understanding how I needed rest and not wanting me to do too much, but of course, why should I be surprised? They are moms too!

Their second day was very special because we got together with my mom and two grandmas-so 3 of Evelyn's 4 grandmas (we missed you Lili!), both of her grandmas, and, of course her mom! We took tons of pictures and I hope that when she gets older she will treasure the pictures as much as I treasure the actual experience.

Also while they were here it was my first Mother's Day and I loved it. Bard gave me a beautiful diamond necklace, yes diamond-go Bard! But the best present of course is my baby girl and although she literally drives me crazy sometimes and I want to scream in frustration and exhaustion, I can't believe such an amazing and beautiful baby is mine. Sometimes when I'm holding her she just gazes up at me with these big eyes, almost like she is drinking me in and I never want the moment to end.

On Mother's Day we had Evelyn dedicated at our church, which was just a beautiful and exciting experience. We don't do infant baptisms, believing that children need to grow and make choices for themselves regarding a relationship with Jesus, but the dedication is a time where family and friends gather and pledge to support the child and parents. Our church has had a baby boom recently so we dedicated 11 children! It was great and so wonderful that Bard's grandma and mom could be here for the ceremony. Evelyn had so much family show up that we filled an entire row-she is very loved!

Afterward we had a great brunch at our house-15 people! But everyone pitched in so I really did not do too much at all and it was just a great time of visiting and friendship. I know I've said this before, but I'm so lucky to be surrounded by such a great group of people who are supporting me. I can't imagine being more blessed.

It was a great weekend, I'm so lucky to have such wonderful in laws (and a special hello and thank you to Miriam's bridge group who are loving Evelyn from California too!) Part of me is sad that his family is far away, but part of me thinks that will be special in a different way for Evelyn, that every time she is with his family will be so meaningful because it won't be the norm and that has its own unique value and meaning.

A Week of Firsts

One of the amazing aspects of having a newborn is how many firsts you experience. Here are this week's:

1. Her belly button stump finally fell off so she got to have an actual bath! She liked it but screamed when we took her out cause it was cold and then pooped on the towel. That's my girl!


2. She had her first bottle a week ago-and did great. I was worried about bottle feeding and breast feeding, but it seems to be going fine and I can't even begin to express how great it is to know that someone besides me can feed her. That means I can be gone longer than an hour!


3. I cut her finger nails for the first time. I was terrified that I would cut off part of her finger too! But she still has all ten so I must have done okay : )


4. We checked her into our church nursery for the first time. I'm not sure how much of the sermon I heard since I was constantly wondering how she was doing and watching for her number to come up on the screen as a page for me to come get her. It didn't-I'm just paranoid-she did fine and slept the whole time.


5. The very same day we both left her for the first time and went out for cofffee-she stayed with my parents. Again-this made possible by the bottle. She was a bit fussy but again, did fine.

There are probably more, but even that seems like a big week to me! It's funny how many of her firsts I was worried about-and still am worried about. I think part of it is just natural worrying that a mom is going to do. But I know another part of it is me just needing to relax and let what is going to happen, just happen. I'm so used to order, scheduling, and yes, the "c" word-control. It might kill me to learn this, but there is no way that I can control her. She eats when she wants, sleeps when she wants, fusses when she wants, and yes, poops when she wants. And my worrying about how she is going to do or about getting something done only serves to make myself frustrated. That frustration is magnified by sleep deprivation and leads me to think that I only want one child because this is so incredibly hard. It is hard, but I think my attitude can make it even worse. So, maybe one of next week's firsts will be me letting go. And probably, so will the following week's. : )

Happy One Month Birthday!