Alright, if you've been following our blog, you probably have three main questions.
"What do you mean when you say 'special needs?'"
"Haven't I seen Ukraine in the news lately?"
And, "Why Ukraine?"
So, as we all know, I am not a concise person :) But, I'll do my best to put three separate blogs into one and keep it to a minimum!
As I mentioned before, we have been open to special needs from the beginning. In fact, one of the most challenging processes in our early stages of paperwork was going through a seven page form and writing yes, no, or maybe next to countless scary sounding medical terms. First we had to figure out what the terms were, then decide if we could adopt a child diagnosed with one or more of them. Everything from umbilical hernia to HIV, lactose intolerance to amputated leg. Here's the thing, if you are adopting a child and think that you won't be dealing with some range of special needs, you are in Lala land. Send me a postcard, I hear it's nice. First of all, we've had unexpected medical issues with our two biological children, and in Evelyn's case, it requires constant management and could be dangerous! Second of all, and more importantly, any child living any amount of time in an institution is going to be affected by his or her time there and likely have mild to significant delays, undernourishment, and other issues as a result. Months and months ago I looked up information on speech therapy, physical therapy, and attachment disorders. I assumed I would be dealing with some, all, or more of these issues and wanted to have resources prepared so I wasn't scrambling when it came time. This is pretty standard adoption preparation. But, Bard and I did talk a lot and felt like we could adopt a child with mild to moderate special needs. This is a wide range of needs that differs from country to country and again includes everything from heart murmurs to cleft palate, crossed eyes to club foot. We decided that we felt comfortable with what are often termed "correctable" special needs, meaning that with therapy, minor surgery, or some other procedure, the child would probably have little to no residual effects and not require long term, managing care. Honestly, even that scared me a bit. To think that I would bring a child home from another country, try to help him transition to a completely foreign new life, try to help my two other children adjust to having a new family member and then add on a surgery or extended specialist visits, was quite daunting. But how do you say no to a child?
Well, that's where we were, for about a year. Then, about a week ago, we started looking at countries again. Right off the bat I vetoed Ukraine (just as I did after Russia closed) because children under the age of five were not available for International Adoption. I read the blogs, checked out the programs, did not really see young Ukrainian children being mentioned, though there was a caveat on some programs that said under five with special needs. It just didn't seem to happen.Then I got a phone call. Maybe not THE phone call, but an important one nonetheless. I talked to with two different agencies regarding Ukrainian children with special needs who could be adopted before the age of five. Special needs that were daunting, but ones that we could add to our list. Now because Ukraine does not have an adoption referral system, we are not matched with a child before we go and are only given medical information in country. Right back to daunting. But, we've done a little research. I spoke with several families who adopted younger children from Ukraine last year, talked to a couple of agencies, and studied Ukraine's list on what medical diagnosis they consider severe enough to make an exception for in their adoption rule. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the kind of child we would get a referral for, in country. Many of the children seem to have Congenital Heart Defects (CHD), I've done a lot of research and although of course it's scary, we are fortunate to live in a place that makes scary medicine liveable. The other two issues I've seen pop up are kidney problems and hydrocephalus. The latter is definitely more intimidating-anything to do with the brain is problematic, for a lot of reasons, and with the tiniest bit of research you quickly find lots of things like multiple surgeries, shunts, constant monitoring. But, depending on the child and his particular case, there are best case scenarios that make the worst case ones seem like bad dreams.
And that's where we're at right now, praying for worst case scenarios to fade like a bad dream. Worst case like waiting months for a country to open. Worst case like investing our hearts and our families to a place that we may now never experience. And worst case like a country where our child may be living, spiraling into civil war.
So what the heck is happening in Ukraine? Well, not much good. Quick history lesson. Russia has always wanted control of the Black Sea. There have been battles after wars, after battles, after wars, fought over this small sea that is surrounded by Russia, Eastern Europe, and the Middle East. Location, location, location! In fact, Crimea already has a war named after it, the Crimean War! You may not remember learning about the war, but perhaps you've heard of the poem, Charge of the Light Brigade. Written in the middle of the 19th century by Alfred Lord Tennyson it details one of the most famous battles of the Crimean War. Which of course you know if one of your favorite childhood games was Authors. Like me :) I certainly hope you weren't sitting around watching Disney movies, those are not a good source of history!
I digress. When Ukraine became part of the Soviet Union, it did not include Crimea. However, in what was likely a drunken stupor, Nikita Krushchev gave Crimea to Ukraine. That was nearly 50 years before the Soviet Union fell and everyone realized (more) what an idiot Krushchev had been. You see the Russians had ample military interests in Crimea, in controlling the Black Sea, and Crimea had a large Russian population. It didn't matter while Ukraine was part of USSR, because everything was the same. Until everything changed. Oops. Fast forward to last fall when Ukraine's government made a sudden policy shift and instead of moving more toward Europe, the EU, and so away from Russia, it turned right back to Moscow. People cried foul and demonstrations started. Here's where it gets tricky. . .Putin has a teeny tiny bit of ground to stand on (not as big as Crimea though) in his claim that Ukrainian's government acted unfairly. They didn't follow their own constitution in ousting their president, his trial, and who became president after him. Then, one of their first (unnecessary) decisions angered their Russian speaking citizens and demonstrations quickly translated into riots. Putin invades (or whatever he wants to call it) Ukraine-Crimea-and I'm sure not under any pressure at all from the thousands of thugs, I mean mercenaries, I mean Russian soldiers, Crimea voted to leave Ukraine. And now policies are being put into place to make it part of Russia.
I know what you're saying. All that is fascinating Kristin, thanks for CNNing me, but does this affect your adoption?
No. It does not.
Did I tell you I was concise?! Looks like we'll hit 2 out of three questions and save the fun one on how beautiful Ukraine is for later.
So far adoptions have been a bit delayed, a bit scary, and a bit unknown, but Ukrainian's government has continued to process them, issue travel invitations, grant passports, etc. Of course I can't speak to the future. I LOVE how Putin says Russia doesn't "plan" to invade more of Ukraine. That does not sound very convincing to me, but I am going to hope he goes back to riding around half naked on bears, where he belongs, rather than parading around on the world stage, where he doesn't. And, most of all I hope that this is resolved without disrupting the lives of countless orphans, and regular Ukrainians who need their government to protect them, their rights, and to further move towards freedom.
Pray for Ukraine.
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Ukraine. Special Needs. The Paper Chase 2.0
Did I say "Ukraine, No"?
Ha ha, just kidding!
The adoption journey is full of twists and turns. . .
Wednesday morning, after I posted my last blog, about how we were thinking of adoption from other countries besides Kazakhstan (and I wrote off Ukraine) I got a call from our Home Study agency director. We were talking about the two countries Bard and I had discussed looking into-Bulgaria and Kyrgyzstan and she said she had just received information on a little boy with special needs from Ukraine. We have always been open to some special needs, but this one was a little more serious and it gave me pause. But I did some research and contacted the agency to see what other information they might have. Within three days I had read everything the internet had to offer on several different special needs, the history of Ukraine, what resources the medical community here had to offer, and researched a third adoption agency. Okay, maybe not everything the internet had to offer, but at least the first 2 or 3 pages on Google!
I felt good talking to the agency. I felt worried reading other people's stories. I felt excited about adopting ANYTIME SOONER THAN NEVER. I felt panicked when reading the news. And then I felt sick. No, actually sick, I mean I've been fighting off some virus for 3 weeks now and instead of finishing that off my immune system apparently decided to roll over and I came down with a head cold and sore throat over the weekend. Fabulous. I guess the bonus was that I was too tired to feel anything :/
Remember how I said that we would take a few months to decide on our next step-which was weird for me since I normally make fairly quick decisions?
Ha ha, just kidding!
Kidding on the few months, not the fact that I normally make quick decisions. . .We felt that because of all the complicating circumstances (Ukraine sliding into civil war, the little boy's special needs, our own process and schedule) it was best to make a decision right away-as in it was Friday and we would decide by Sunday! Well, we emailed close friends and family-to let them know we were getting ready to make a 180-and asked them for their prayers and support during this time.
I am excited and terrified to announce that we have started the process for adoption in Ukraine!
I honestly don't know how I feel about this. Okay, I do-happy, scared, cynical, sad, confident, nervous, and optimistic. At this point no single emotion outweighs any other. . . I am equally crazy :) The exciting part is that since we would move pretty fast (knock on wood, please don't look at the past year as an example for our timeline) there is a chance we could be traveling soon, and by soon I mean start of summer soon!
That prospect floors me and energizes me. So, here is what I have been doing: contacted the agency, got their paperwork (10 pages), filled it out, signed, notarized, scanned and sent off to them. In the mail tomorrow. Contacted our HS agency, requested an update for change of country, change of special needs, sent them our research, the agency's information, emailed their new social worker, went over additional processes regarding our I600 (non Hague country petition to our government to adopt an international orphan) and downloaded the new form. Filled out I600a, printed, wrote two answers wrong, redid, printed, signed, contacted Vital records for new copies of marriage certificates, etc. Located our passports, copies, and other paperwork from past the homestudy that we can reuse. Side note-I had mine and Bard's passports downstairs and when I was done with them I set them in our little stair basket-things that need to go up to our room. I thought to myself as I left them there that it was probably not a good idea and sure enough when I went back, Bard's was missing! I asked Cici if she had taken a little blue book from the stairs and she said, "Yes, I read it and put it away." And there it was-sitting in her book basket next to Cinderella and Go Dog Go!
Anyhoo, I printed new medical forms for both of us, made an appointment with my PCP, got a new copy of my employment letter, contacted UW Adoption Clinic with our details and set up a dialogue with them to evaluate our referral,ordered three books from Amazon about Ukraine, and now. . .I'm typing this update, just for you :)
That was Monday and Tuesday. The next few weeks will be full of redoing our home study, prepping our dossier, and freaking out. Last year we spent roughly three months doing our home study , then we took about three weeks, later in the year, to complete our dossier. This time I would like to complete both in two weeks. Let's repeat my mantra, shall we? Don't tell me what I can't do!
Once our home study is done, we'll send it along with our I600a off to some random government building. I'm guessing it will take about a month. We're leaving our I800 open-the approval for adopting from Kazakhstan (I'm not sure which one is Plan A and which one is Plan B!) and since we have current fingerprints with the FBI, I am hoping that means we wouldn't have to redo them. However knowing our government, I'm not holding my breath! Then our information is sent to Ukraine and as long as their next door bully, err neighbor, has gone back to mutilating children's toys instead of invading sovereign countries, then we should hear from Ukraine's Department of Family and Children relatively soon. They process applications within 20 days and then send an invitation to travel. And then, we fly to Ukraine!
I'll blog more later about Ukraine, when Russia closed over a year ago, they were the first country I thought of wanting to adopt from, but didn't think the program would be a good fit for us. Funny what a year will do. . .it's a beautiful country with an ancient heritage and rich artistic culture. In fact, I wrote my thesis on Soviet artists, including two from Ukraine, but more on that another time! Their adoption process is very different from any other country we've looked at and it's pretty nerve wracking for me to think about how it will all work out. . .more on that later too. And, I'm sure you're all wanting more information on special needs, if we know what child we can adopt and what we know, more to come, I promise-no one has ever accused me of not providing enough information. :)
For now, I'll leave you with an Evelynism from this morning, who, bless her heart, when I was on the phone with Vital Records, thought that I was talking to someone in Ukraine:
Me, "Evelyn, please be quiet I'm on the phone trying to talk to someone about the adoption."
Evelyn, "Oh, well they probably can't answer the phone because they're fighting Russia. And it will probably take a while, like a year or something cause Russia is trying to take their land away from them."
Why yes, my five year old does have more geopolitical genius in her little pinky than most adult Americans have in their whole brain. Thanks :)
Ha ha, just kidding!
The adoption journey is full of twists and turns. . .
Wednesday morning, after I posted my last blog, about how we were thinking of adoption from other countries besides Kazakhstan (and I wrote off Ukraine) I got a call from our Home Study agency director. We were talking about the two countries Bard and I had discussed looking into-Bulgaria and Kyrgyzstan and she said she had just received information on a little boy with special needs from Ukraine. We have always been open to some special needs, but this one was a little more serious and it gave me pause. But I did some research and contacted the agency to see what other information they might have. Within three days I had read everything the internet had to offer on several different special needs, the history of Ukraine, what resources the medical community here had to offer, and researched a third adoption agency. Okay, maybe not everything the internet had to offer, but at least the first 2 or 3 pages on Google!
I felt good talking to the agency. I felt worried reading other people's stories. I felt excited about adopting ANYTIME SOONER THAN NEVER. I felt panicked when reading the news. And then I felt sick. No, actually sick, I mean I've been fighting off some virus for 3 weeks now and instead of finishing that off my immune system apparently decided to roll over and I came down with a head cold and sore throat over the weekend. Fabulous. I guess the bonus was that I was too tired to feel anything :/
Remember how I said that we would take a few months to decide on our next step-which was weird for me since I normally make fairly quick decisions?
Ha ha, just kidding!
Kidding on the few months, not the fact that I normally make quick decisions. . .We felt that because of all the complicating circumstances (Ukraine sliding into civil war, the little boy's special needs, our own process and schedule) it was best to make a decision right away-as in it was Friday and we would decide by Sunday! Well, we emailed close friends and family-to let them know we were getting ready to make a 180-and asked them for their prayers and support during this time.
I am excited and terrified to announce that we have started the process for adoption in Ukraine!
I honestly don't know how I feel about this. Okay, I do-happy, scared, cynical, sad, confident, nervous, and optimistic. At this point no single emotion outweighs any other. . . I am equally crazy :) The exciting part is that since we would move pretty fast (knock on wood, please don't look at the past year as an example for our timeline) there is a chance we could be traveling soon, and by soon I mean start of summer soon!
That prospect floors me and energizes me. So, here is what I have been doing: contacted the agency, got their paperwork (10 pages), filled it out, signed, notarized, scanned and sent off to them. In the mail tomorrow. Contacted our HS agency, requested an update for change of country, change of special needs, sent them our research, the agency's information, emailed their new social worker, went over additional processes regarding our I600 (non Hague country petition to our government to adopt an international orphan) and downloaded the new form. Filled out I600a, printed, wrote two answers wrong, redid, printed, signed, contacted Vital records for new copies of marriage certificates, etc. Located our passports, copies, and other paperwork from past the homestudy that we can reuse. Side note-I had mine and Bard's passports downstairs and when I was done with them I set them in our little stair basket-things that need to go up to our room. I thought to myself as I left them there that it was probably not a good idea and sure enough when I went back, Bard's was missing! I asked Cici if she had taken a little blue book from the stairs and she said, "Yes, I read it and put it away." And there it was-sitting in her book basket next to Cinderella and Go Dog Go!
Anyhoo, I printed new medical forms for both of us, made an appointment with my PCP, got a new copy of my employment letter, contacted UW Adoption Clinic with our details and set up a dialogue with them to evaluate our referral,ordered three books from Amazon about Ukraine, and now. . .I'm typing this update, just for you :)
That was Monday and Tuesday. The next few weeks will be full of redoing our home study, prepping our dossier, and freaking out. Last year we spent roughly three months doing our home study , then we took about three weeks, later in the year, to complete our dossier. This time I would like to complete both in two weeks. Let's repeat my mantra, shall we? Don't tell me what I can't do!
Once our home study is done, we'll send it along with our I600a off to some random government building. I'm guessing it will take about a month. We're leaving our I800 open-the approval for adopting from Kazakhstan (I'm not sure which one is Plan A and which one is Plan B!) and since we have current fingerprints with the FBI, I am hoping that means we wouldn't have to redo them. However knowing our government, I'm not holding my breath! Then our information is sent to Ukraine and as long as their next door bully, err neighbor, has gone back to mutilating children's toys instead of invading sovereign countries, then we should hear from Ukraine's Department of Family and Children relatively soon. They process applications within 20 days and then send an invitation to travel. And then, we fly to Ukraine!
I'll blog more later about Ukraine, when Russia closed over a year ago, they were the first country I thought of wanting to adopt from, but didn't think the program would be a good fit for us. Funny what a year will do. . .it's a beautiful country with an ancient heritage and rich artistic culture. In fact, I wrote my thesis on Soviet artists, including two from Ukraine, but more on that another time! Their adoption process is very different from any other country we've looked at and it's pretty nerve wracking for me to think about how it will all work out. . .more on that later too. And, I'm sure you're all wanting more information on special needs, if we know what child we can adopt and what we know, more to come, I promise-no one has ever accused me of not providing enough information. :)
For now, I'll leave you with an Evelynism from this morning, who, bless her heart, when I was on the phone with Vital Records, thought that I was talking to someone in Ukraine:
Me, "Evelyn, please be quiet I'm on the phone trying to talk to someone about the adoption."
Evelyn, "Oh, well they probably can't answer the phone because they're fighting Russia. And it will probably take a while, like a year or something cause Russia is trying to take their land away from them."
Why yes, my five year old does have more geopolitical genius in her little pinky than most adult Americans have in their whole brain. Thanks :)
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Macedonia
Evelyn was nursed and then weaned to the first four seasons of LOST. No, this is not a blog about breast feeding :) But I was addicted to the show and it's quite the joke that if Evelyn exhibits any crazy behaviors, we can blame it on the Island!
Anyhow, You Found Me by The Fray was used to promote the new season and after hearing the song I fell in love with that band. I heard the song on the radio about a month ago and it's been stuck in my head ever since. I think it's a combination of the lyrics and the actual name of the band. Probably because I'm frayed.
Frayed because all we ever do is wait from one false hope to the next.
Frayed because any movement that seems forward is actually just sideways, or maybe backwards.
But mostly frayed because I don't know what to do. And if there is one thing I hate, it's not knowing something. Anything.
Anyhow, You Found Me by The Fray was used to promote the new season and after hearing the song I fell in love with that band. I heard the song on the radio about a month ago and it's been stuck in my head ever since. I think it's a combination of the lyrics and the actual name of the band. Probably because I'm frayed.
Frayed because all we ever do is wait from one false hope to the next.
Frayed because any movement that seems forward is actually just sideways, or maybe backwards.
But mostly frayed because I don't know what to do. And if there is one thing I hate, it's not knowing something. Anything.
Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
I felt like adopting from Russia was answering a call, a calling placed on my life. That door was closed and part of me is still standing on the doorstep with a puzzled look like a lost dog. But, it really seemed like adoption from Kazakhstan was meant to be. I could take all my love and learning of Russia, mix it with a fascinating new country, one that I quickly fell in love with, and see a beautiful new pattern emerge, one that I felt would surely change my life.
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
Well my life has certainly changed, but only because a year of waiting for unrealized dreams changes you, for better or for worse.
All I needed was a call
That never came
So I'll be honest with you, even though I scarcely want to be honest with myself. I might never get that phone call. There's really nothing to say that Kazakhstan will ever open, that we'll ever get a referral, or that we'll ever fly off to a lost country along the Silk Road. How do I know? I don't.
And I hate not knowing. Anything.
On the practical side of things, it's probably impossible for me to not live in reality. I'm the most pragmatic person I know, and if there's a problem, yo, I'll solve it (I also seem to be completely incapable of dealing with any kind of trauma without at least a little humor!) Take it or leave it :) We haven't been told that Kaz will never open, it's not a doomsday scenario like Russia (total aside, one day I will write a blog on exactly what I think of Putin and it will even be accompanied by a song, look out Pussy Riot, here comes me!) But, should we make a decision on how long we wait? What if we go another route and then Kaz opens? What if we choose another country and it ends up having worse problems? What if we're supposed to be learning something during this waiting time? What if my parents had never met?
Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lyin on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Sometimes it's easy to see why the ancient Greeks thought of god as some cruel and random being, on his mountain, throwing down lightening bolts just to mess with the little people. I don't believe in Zeus. But sometimes I don't believe in the right God either. I mean, the God who is good and who loves me.
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me.
One of the themes of LOST is taking a leap of faith. Parenthood in general is a leap of faith, and adoption is that leap done on steroids because it's so much more out of your control. But any direction we go we'll be taking a leap into the unknown. We have faith that Kaz will open so we stick with it for longer. How long? Indefinitely? I'm turning 37 this year so. . . Or we look at another country. And I've looked at them. Remember, I actually did all this before, a year ago, when I was in the same place! I'm sad, no grieving, at the thought of leaving Kaz. I'm angry at the thought at staying. I'm frustrated because there are 147 million orphans across the world and if I could give just one a family, it seems like it would be a good thing. But no!
I've been callin
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never sent me no letters
You got some kind of nerve
Taking all I want
Somewhere out there is a little boy who doesn't really care about my journey, as long as it brings me to him. He doesn't know about closed doors or geopolitics. He just wants a family. And so I stalk adoption forums. I read about random programs and google forgotten countries. I now know my world geography better than a cartographer. Haiti? No. Armenia? No. Serbia? Maybe. Ukraine? No. Bulgaria? Maybe. China? No. Kyrgyzstan? Maybe.
Kazakhstan? Hell if I know.
I can tell you the demographics of these countries, their histories from medieval times on, their human rights records, and their weather. But I can't tell you if I should adopt from one of them. And you'll never believe why. . .
Because I decided to wait to make a decision! I'm fairly sure I've never consciously decided to wait on anything. I buy houses faster than most people buy shirts. It makes our marriage very interesting :) But we are going to wait, for a few months. Wait and see what happens in Kaz, or other fun former little USSR countries. And I suppose I will wait on myself, allow myself to be shaped, once again, to know love and to expect it in my life. Despite what the world around me wants me to believe.
Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me
Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me
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