Macedonia

Evelyn was nursed and then weaned to the first four seasons of LOST. No, this is not a blog about breast feeding :) But I was addicted to the show and it's quite the joke that if Evelyn exhibits any crazy behaviors, we can blame it on the Island!

Anyhow, You Found Me by The Fray was used to promote the new season and after hearing the song I fell in love with that band.  I heard the song on the radio about a month ago and it's been stuck in my head ever since.  I think it's a combination of the lyrics and the actual name of the band.  Probably because I'm frayed.

Frayed because all we ever do is wait from one false hope to the next.

Frayed because any movement that seems forward is actually just sideways, or maybe backwards.

But mostly frayed because I don't know what to do.  And if there is one thing I hate, it's not knowing something.  Anything.

Where were you

When everything was falling apart?

I felt like adopting from Russia was answering a call, a calling placed on my life. That door was closed and part of me is still standing on the doorstep with a puzzled look like a lost dog.  But, it really seemed like adoption from Kazakhstan was meant to be.  I could take all my love and learning of Russia, mix it with a fascinating new country, one that I quickly fell in love with, and see a beautiful new pattern emerge, one that I felt would surely change my life.

All my days

Were spent by the telephone

That never rang

Well my life has certainly changed, but only because  a year of waiting for unrealized dreams changes you, for better or for worse.

All I needed was a call

That never came

So I'll be honest with you, even though I scarcely want to be honest with myself.  I might never get that phone call.  There's really nothing to say that Kazakhstan will ever open, that we'll ever get a referral, or that we'll ever fly off to a lost country along the Silk Road.  How do I know?  I don't.

And I hate not knowing.  Anything.

On the practical side of things, it's probably impossible for me to not live in reality. I'm the most pragmatic person I know, and if there's a problem, yo, I'll solve it (I also seem to be completely incapable of dealing with any kind of trauma without at least a little humor!) Take it or leave it :)  We haven't been told that Kaz will never open, it's not a doomsday scenario like Russia (total aside, one day I will write a blog on exactly what I think of Putin and it will even be accompanied by a song, look out Pussy Riot, here comes me!)  But, should we make a decision on how long we wait? What if we go another route and then Kaz opens?  What if we choose another country and it ends up having worse problems?  What if we're supposed to be learning something during this waiting time? What if my parents had never met?

Lost and insecure

You found me, you found me

Lyin on the floor

Surrounded, surrounded

Sometimes it's easy to see why the ancient Greeks thought of god as some cruel and random being, on his mountain, throwing down lightening bolts just to mess with the little people.  I don't believe in Zeus.  But sometimes I don't believe in the right God either.  I mean, the God who is good and who loves me.

Why'd you have to wait?

Where were you?  Where were you?

Just a little late 

You found me, you found me.

One of the themes of LOST is taking a leap of faith.  Parenthood in general is a leap of faith, and adoption is that leap done on steroids because it's so much more out of your control.  But any direction we go we'll be taking a leap into the unknown.  We have faith that Kaz will open so we stick with it for longer.  How long? Indefinitely? I'm turning 37 this year so. . . Or we look at another country.  And I've looked at them. Remember, I actually did all this before, a year ago, when I was in the same place! I'm sad, no grieving, at the thought of leaving Kaz.  I'm angry at the thought at staying.  I'm frustrated because there are 147 million orphans across the world and if I could give just one a family, it seems like it would be a good thing.  But no!

I've been callin

For years and years and years and years

And you never left me no messages

Ya never sent me no letters

You got some kind of nerve

Taking all I want

Somewhere out there is a little boy who doesn't really care about my journey, as long as it brings me to him. He doesn't know about closed doors or geopolitics.  He just wants a family.  And so I stalk adoption forums.  I read about random programs and google forgotten countries.  I now know my world geography better than a cartographer.  Haiti?  No.  Armenia?  No.  Serbia?  Maybe.  Ukraine?  No.  Bulgaria? Maybe. China? No. Kyrgyzstan? Maybe. 

Kazakhstan?  Hell if I know.

I can tell you the demographics of these countries, their histories from medieval times on, their human rights records, and their weather.  But I can't tell you if I should adopt from one of them.  And you'll never believe why. . .

Because I decided to wait to make a decision!  I'm fairly sure I've never consciously decided to wait on anything.  I buy houses faster than most people buy shirts.  It makes our marriage very interesting :)  But we are going to wait, for a few months. Wait and see what happens in Kaz, or other fun former little USSR countries.  And I suppose I will wait on myself, allow myself to be shaped, once again, to know love and to expect it in my life. Despite what the world around me wants me to believe.

Where were you?  Where were you?

Just a little late

You found me, you found me

Why'd you have to wait?

To find me, to find me