Bard and Kristin at nine months!

I think Bard's body is much better for carrying the baby-he has a foot more of room, it's like the Key Arena in there! : ) This picture is actually Bard at our birthing class, where he had to wear an empathy belly and carry around 35 pounds of extra weight. For 20 minutes. Yeah, try 20 weeks!

During my third trimester I felt like I had a break through with how I viewed the baby. Because I've wanted to be pregnant for so long and have wanted to have children for as long as I can remember (now I'll just take the kid part, being prego is not all it's cracked up to be!), I always felt a bit controlling about it. Okay, you can stop laughing now, thanks! I don't mean controlling the different aspects of the pregnancy, I mean controlling the fact that the baby is a blessing from God, one that I need to give back to Him. I think children are like any other gift from God, if we are obsessed with our kids and don't trust God in their lives, it's like we're hoarding them which I think would only lead to smothering and a focus on self rather than God. But, throughout the pregnancy I still always felt doubt as to whether I really trusted God with my child. What if something was wrong with her, did I trust God then? What if she had a disability or was delayed in some way, did I trust God? I didn't really feel like I did, I just wanted her so badly and wanted her the way I pictured her in my mind.

I don't know how or why, but the other day I was delivering dinner to a friend of mine who had just had a baby (don't come to our church, there is something in the water!) And God just spoke to me. I was listening to a song called Blessed Be Your Name (http://www.lyricsbox.com/matt-redman-lyrics-blessed-be-your-name-pfs45jc.html) Some of you may remember that we sang this song at our wedding, mainly because it talks so much about continuing to bless God when life is hard and when life is good-through everything remaining faithful to who He is in our lives. It was perfect at our wedding because besides having children, I can't imagine another time than marriage that we enter with so many crazy expectations that we have to learn to give over to God. As I sat on Pacific Ave listening to that song, I felt such a sense of peace. God reminded me so deeply of how much He has already done for me, and that even in the worst of times He was right there-Joy. If He has already shown me so much love, grace, and strength, then why would He stop after I had a child? I know this child is from Him and that He loves her more than I ever could. And I know that no matter what happens I will be able to bless His name because He will always work to bring good in my life, and the life of my child.

2nd Trimester: Evelyn Joy's name

Now I'm getting bigger! This picture is two months after the last one. Just wait, I'll post the nine month one next. : )

During the second trimester we finally decided on a name, and I must say it's rather an adorable story, so I think you should know about it!

For ten years, seriously, I had been set on the name Victoria-who knows why-so when we found out we were having a girl, that just seemed automatic. But, the more I thought about it, the more it just seemed like such a huge decision-to give someone a name she would be known by forever. So we throw some more names in the mix and started talking about other options. Very soon we had 8 or 9 names! Madeleine, Katrina, Amelia, Evelyn, and so on and so forth. By December we had narrowed it down to five and decided that when we went down to California after Christmas to visit family, that we would shoot for one or two.

I had looked up the meanings of all the names and liked them and we like the way they all sounded as well as their nicknames. After walking on the beach in Cali, we decided on either Evelyn or Victoria. I knew the meaning for Victoria off the top of my head, but when I had looked up Evelyn, all I could remember was that it was related to a word in Hebrew or Celtic that meant light or life, I hadn't found if it was a proper name that had a meaning as well. So I decided I would look again. So when we got home I googled Evelyn and the first site that popped up was a Wikipedia one that said the meaning for the french name Evelyn. I literally stopped and stared at the computer screen. And as you are probably well aware, it takes a lot to stop me in my tracks and make me speechless. The meaning of the french name Evelyn was, "Little Bird." Now, to backtrack. The day after we found out we were pregnant, Bard gave me a card. It had birds on the front and there were two little love birds on the inside. Bard had drawn a third little bird and had it saying hi to the mommy and daddy bird. So since then we had called the baby, you guessed it, little birdie. To know that Evelyn actually meant not just bird, but little bird, kind of freaked me out! I emailed Bard and that was that. We figured God could use even Wikipedia to help us decide on a name!

Ahh. I love long posts! : ) The middle name Joy is because Joy for the last five years has become a theme of my life. I say the last five because before then I don't think I really knew what Joy was. In going through a horrible divorce and extremely stressful and depressing time I realized that God was all I had and God was all I needed. That gave me such joy. And as soon as I started turning to God, (even before really, I just diddn't see it) not only was He there for me, but He surrounded me with the most amazing support network (all of you!) and blessed me time after time in the most amazing ways. In the Bible, the book of John, chapter 15, talks about how much God loves us and that He will always be there for us. Jesus asks us to abide in His love, which to me is a beautiful image of resting on the assurance of who God is and always will be. And that if we follow Him, we can never be separate from that Love. John 15:11 says: "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." That is God's promise to us, that we live a life of joy. So Evelyn's middle name is Joy because my deepest hope and prayer for her is that she grow up surrounded by and thankful for the joy that comes from her Father.

16 weeks and Isaiah

This is me at 16 weeks-I look tiny! How I long for the days of being able to turn over in bed without shooting pains criss-crossing my belly! We plan to use our blog to post baby pics and updates, so I thought I would take the next few days/week and post about the pregnancy-here is the first one, it's a doozie!

I wasn't great at taking pictures of myself throughout pregnancy, but I do have some for each trimester. And I feel like God spoke to me pretty strongly during this first trimester. So I thought I would share it with anyone who happens to have nothing better to do right now than read my blog!

At about 6-7 weeks we went to the ER because I had been experiencing cramping all day, had called the nurse and because the Doctor's office had just closed she said I needed to go in to the ER to confirm that the pregnancy was still developing in a healthy way. So in we went. First of all, when you walk into the ER and there are no seats available, take that as a sign that you'll be there all night. We were. Throughout the tests and the waiting I vacillated between feeling very scared and anxious to feeling calm and peaceful, confident that nothing was wrong. About half way through everything (after the catheter was administered on the THIRD TRY AND WITHOUT ANY ANESTHESIA!) I asked Bard for his Bible and did something that I rarely do-just randomly opened it, hoping for something comforting. Normally I have "my" verses that I turn to, ones that have comforted me in the past and that I know will say what I want or need to hear. But this time I just flipped it open. I looked down and saw this passage from Isaiah 54:

1 “Sing, O childless woman, you who have never given birth! Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem, you who have never been in labor. For the desolate woman now has more children than the woman who lives with her husband,” says the Lord. 2 “Enlarge your house; build an addition. Spread out your home, and spare no expense! 3 For you will soon be bursting at the seams. Your descendants will occupy other nations and resettle the ruined cities.
4 “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. 5 For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. 6 For the Lord has called you back from your grief—as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God. 7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. 8 In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer.

This verse spoke to me so clearly and beautifully I felt like God had written it just for me. And maybe He had. I felt a very strong sense of His promise that my baby was alright and that He would be with me throughout every part of this pregnancy. And I knew that this had been His plan all along-that as I dealt with the shame of bad choices, a failed first marriage, longing for and never knowing if I would have children of my own-that He had this in store for me all along. Because His plans are better than anything I could ever dream of.