Sisters, Sisters

I started this blog when I found out I was pregnant with Evelyn, our first child, who is now six years old. I remember the day so clearly.  I took the pregnancy test when Bard was at work, pretty sure it would be positive.  I cooked a special dinner, set out our china and crystal goblets, and placed a present for him on his plate.  He was a bit surprised when he opened the present and saw, "Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel" which he had told me a few weeks prior was his favorite book from childhood.  He looked at me and said, "Oh, that's nice of you."  But was obviously puzzled!  I looked back at him with a little smile and said, "It's not for you. . ." :)  He figured it out!

Fast forward more than six years and here we are, two beautiful daughters, blessed to have a wonderful family.  But it's not quite complete.

Since we're waiting on our USCIS clearance (Immigration) and then will submit our dossier to Ukraine and wait to hear from their SDA (Adoption and Children's Rights), I thought I'd share a bit about the family our little guy will be joining.  You already know me-chatty, snarky, artsy, tongue in cheek, more passion than is good for me, and Type A, okay, A.  Bard is the smartest man you'll ever meet, way more subtle than myself (which is not hard), a great husband and father, and passionate about those in need.  But, we're boring. What about the girls?! 

I used to post regular updates on how they were doing and what they were up to, so, here's who will be welcoming little Solnishko to the US!  Well, let's be honest, poor second child will have to wait for the second blog ;)  But I promise an update on Cici too!

Evelyn is a classic first born. She's enjoying a fun year in kindergarten (and not to brag but reading at a second grade level!  Okay, that's bragging, are you surprised?!) She's a unique little mix of an extrovert and introvert, getting shy at new situations and meeting people she's not sure about but thriving in social situations, always wanting to do more, play with more friends, and go more places.  She comes to my ballet class with me and also takes tap class.  Grandpa David bought us a piano a few years ago and Evelyn has been talking lessons ever since.  But still, I am asked on a regular basis if she can take swimming, soccer, gymnastics, Irish step dancing, violin, and anything else that pops in her mind.  She seems to think that our time and money are everlasting :)  She's bossy. . .err. . .I mean a good leader!  And we are trying to help her learn how to influence people in a positive manner, encouraging and teaching them instead of dictating and annoying them.  Sometimes there is only a subtle difference between the two :)

I think you go through phases with each child, and when I started thinking about this blog post last week (when I intended to write it), I was feeling a bit frustrated about the phase I was in with Evelyn.  From a very early age Evelyn showed that while she was mellow in an adaptable, flexible way that made parenting through trips, changes, and new routines fairly easy, she is also a force.  Make that FORCE. She is driven, she wants more, she questions everything, she is constantly engaged, constantly searching. Constantly exhausting!  I think as she grows this will be one of her greatest strengths.  Let's face it, there are lots of things in our world that should be questioned and we need people who will want something better, something new, something unknown-and people who will make it happen.  That's Evelyn.  But, when it's five o'clock, you're trying to make dinner, you can't for the life of you figure out why the "why phase" didn't end at 2 years old for your child like it did for everyone else's, and you just need her to Sit. Quietly. For. One Minute.  It can be a bit frazzling!

But that was last week and then this week happened and spun me around from being frustrated with my daughter to being her biggest advocate and fighting for her rights in a place where her protection should have been everyone's first priority. If you want the whole story, you're going to have to buy me a combination of chocolate, caffeine, and alcohol-all of which I have had extra of the past 8 days!

Dear World at Large, My husband's intellect and research capabilities can run circles around you and I have more passion and fury than a pantheon of Greek gods.  Do. Not. Mess. With. My Child.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, it's just where I'm at right now, which means I'm sharing with you :)  But honestly, I had a bit of an epiphany a midst all the chaos.  I've worried some about what needs my little guy will have and how I will meet them-in a patient and consistent manner-or if I will just fall apart.  I'm sure both will happen to an extent!  But a few weeks ago, when I posted about Love Alone is Worth the Fight, I was really just thinking about the fight to get him here, not all the fights we'll battle out once he's here.  And those fights are not clean paperwork, they are messy and physical.  Fights with him and fights for him.  Fights as a family and fights tearing at our family.  The past week has left me a bit battle scarred, and it's not even over yet.  But as I was driving down 6th ave, the sun shining through my windows, Love Alone is Worth the Fight came over the radio again and it suddenly struck me.

I love my child and I will do anything for her.  I will fight this fight for her and she doesn't even know I'm fighting it.  And if I have to fight this battle for a month or a year, or win it now only to fight it again 5 years from now, I will do it.  She's mine. She defined sacrificial love for me when I first laid eyes on her.

Greater love has no one than this. . .

I question everything. I strive, constantly, to make connections. I push, to the point of exhaustion, because I want, no need, no crave, to know WHY.

I would give my drawer full of Cadbury Eggs to know why we've gone on such a tortuous and seemingly endless adoption journey.

Why.

But in that moment, driving, listening, I maybe saw a shimmering glisten of hope. You see, my love is but a shadow.

And if I question, constantly, I do not stop at questioning love.

And then a terrible lie came into the world.  It would never leave. It would live on in every human heart, whispering to every one of God's children, "God doesn't love me."

You see, my fight is but a shadow.

And if I consent to live in shadows, then my constant striving will never know peace. My struggle will be endless, no matter what I achieve, today, tomorrow, or ever.

Complete Joy (which is Evelyn's name) is found at the utter- lay down my arms and pick up grace-acceptance of what has been fought for me.  Just me.  And won.  For me.

So I will be like a child, picking up my little toy guns and pew pew pewing at all the bad guys who are in my way.  Because maybe that will teach me just a little bit to look up and see that my fight's been won.  And that it was worth it, all along, love is worth the fight.

Ukraine Update

Hi Everyone,

No time for a "real" blog post, sorry this will be lacking fun lyrics and flowing themes ;)  But, I know many of you have been following Ukraine in the news and wanted to let you know-for sure, we have too!  There has been an escalation of political unrest and violence over the past few days-a lot more tension with Russia as well.

You can read further details just about anywhere, try here or here.  I've spoke with our agency and they say it's business as usual, but I am trying to get in touch with adoptive families who are there now as well as find further details about continuing adoptions in the Easter cities of Ukraine.  The bottom line is this is bad-for everyone.  Ukrainian citizens, many orphans in those Eastern cities, and all adoptive families in process right now could face further challenges if this escalation continues.  Please pray for all-especially our own process and for peace, timing, and safety!

That's all for now, hopefully my next post will be back to its normal snarky filled prose!

A Real Boy!

I've got no strings to hold me down

To make me fret, to make me frown

At my very first dance recital, I taught a class of little girls who danced to a song from Pinnochio.  Childhood goes by quickly, but there are moments, even when you are young, that are turning points in your life.  One of my own milestones was that first dance recital.  I knew I had found myself.  My dad sat me down to chat about life.  He told me I was really smart and could do lots of things.  In fact, I was doing lots of things! Choir, art, soccer, dance, music lessons and probably more, were all on my plate.  His advice, choose one, follow that path.  I chose dance and never looked back.  Life winds on and at this point I teach a few hours of ballet a week to the cutest, most exasperating and hilarious little three year old ballerinas you could imagine!  They give me hugs and then tip toe away and do the naughtiest things!  I may leave class exhausted, but it's with a smile on my face because I'm doing what I live, helping little girls to be artists, inside and out.

That was a fun story, and now, for the life of me, I cannot remember where I was going with all that rambling. . . 

Oh yes, Pinocchio!  And, I chose dance.

Choosing to have children (biologically) is kinda like choosing to fall on a mattress. Haha!  :) No really, being a parent is hard, and I know that many people do not make that decision lightly, but compared to adoption...well, there is no comparison.  A friend recently commented to me that adoption is not for the faint hearted. Yes, choosing adoption is like choosing to fall on a land mine.  That land mine may blow up, it may not, you don't know when, if, and where.  It might shower you with a lot of little explosions over and over again, or just knock you out with one blast.  Either way you're pretty bloody.  

And I never thought I'd come to this

But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this

When we chose this path, we were serious.  We entered the ring (mostly) knowingly and although it's been a knock down, dirty, drag out, free for all, I'd do it all again.

In fact, I just did! We finally completed the paperwork for switching to Ukraine.  Our I600 is on our way to USCIS, where Joe will probably walk across the hall, chat with Steve about our I800 that we turned in for Kazakhstan, cash our second $800 check and send us on our way.  (For a longer story of complete government red tape and inane bureaucracy, please send me a chocolate bar.) But Joe and Steve, if you're reading this, I love you and, Go USA!    Just like the first time around, this process has been exciting, bewildering, expensive, and brought me to the brink of multiple nervous breakdowns.

Dossier-Paper Baby

The funny thing about a name is

You forget what the reason you were playing the game is

Choosing to adopt is like choosing to play Russian roulette.  And that is especially true in my case!. But this choice will always be looked back on as a turning point in our life. And it's one that I'll never regret.  Some how, some way, when you chose to pursue a dream that is such a tough battle, it's worth more than you imagined.  In the middle of the paperwork, in the middle of the chaos, I don't know what's around the corner, but I'm walking toward it, whatever it may be.

And it's all an illusion

A 21st century institution

So I'm headed down the open road unknown

I've felt such highs and lows since we switched to Ukraine. Imagining it as a sure thing one moment and then convinced of failure the next.  There's always unknowns in adoption-for parenting in general, but even more so with adoption-and Ukraine is adoption on steroids.  Traveling blind, country invaded by minions, I mean Putins, I mean no one, unknown special needs.  It's enough to drive a girl to a Cadbury egg. Or several. Thank God for Easter.  No really :)

And we find what we're made of

Through the open door

Is it fear you're afraid of?

What are you waiting for?

I mostly fear my dreams not coming true.  Why on earth my dream is to adopt a little boy from Eastern Europe, I have no idea.  It just is.  This week, my little boy is only wood.  Well, paper to be exact.  A big stack of papers sent off to my government. Another stack to be apostilled (look it up, it's a real thing!) And then sent off to be translated into Ukrainian.  And then sent off to. . .Ukraine!  I never got that far with my first paper baby.  But within a month someone in Ukraine could take my beloved pile of papers and transform them into a real boy.  My boy.

Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

We're only here for a season

I'm looking for the rhyme and the reason

Why you're born, why you're leaving

What you fear and what you believe in

And we find what we're made of

Through the open door

Is it fear you're afraid of?

What are you waiting for?

Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

Switchfoot

Ya lublu Ukrainyu culturu!

Exter, Construction de la colour

"Alexandra Exter graduated from the Kiev Art School in 1906. . .Exter's combinations of experimental work of her time, as well as her ability to incorporate  those techniques with non-representational works make her a pioneer in her field. Her paintings were new and radical. She went on to found her own studio where she influenced many Russian artists and supported the artistic movement of Suprematism."

So wrote a young Kristin, over 13 years ago, long before starting down the adoption road that would eventually wind it's way to Ukraine, not too far from where it all began.  As a junior in college I took a class on Soviet History.  By the way, I was in that class when Putin was "elected" and remember it quite well.  My professor said it was a dark day for Russia and marked a return to totalitarianism that would affect the whole world.  Smart guy.

I've written a bit more about how that class fits into my adoption journey here but to rewind a little bit, after taking that class I turned my college career to focus on Russian art, and in doing so, discovered Ukraine. Many "Russian" artists were actually born in Ukraine or studied there.  Alexandra Exter, one of the first female artists I wrote about, Varvara Stepanova, who studied in Odessa, Ukraine, where she met her husband, Alexander Rodchenko.  Rodchenko also became a famous artist and the two of them established connections with Wassily Kandinsky and Kazimir Malevich, both artists who lived in Ukraine and went on to be massive figures of change in 20th century art.  I spent the next two years studying Russian Women Artists of the Avant Garde and went on to grad school, preparing a thesis on the same topic.  I fell in love with these women, their strength, creativity, passion, and determination.  Unlike arguably every other art movement in history, this one was led by women. Their combination of past artistic tradition into present ground breaking new forms was fascinating. Learning about these women and their place in art history truly captivated my imagination for many years. At the time, I just thought I was learning about Russian art and grew my love for Russian culture. But now that I look back, I see how many of those artists were in fact Ukrainian. As I began to dig a little deeper, I discovered that this was a unique phenomenon of Ukrainian history-Russian credit for Ukrainian origins.  Okay, maybe not too unique, we could look at Greco-Roman blends but given the current Russian/Ukrainian political events, it's more than a little distasteful!  All that history can be explored further by delving into everything from geographical location, religious conversion, to Genghis Khan and on into Soviet psychology.  But, we'll leave that to a later time and just focus on how it relates to me! :)  Feel

Dusty but beloved part of my library

free to borrow the 700 page Ukrainian history book I'm currently reading!

Anyway, for the purpose of this blog, to cover hundreds of years of history in a few short paragraphs.  Much of what we now view as Russia-its culture, history, structure, grew out of what's known as Kievan Rus. Over a thousand years ago, in a complicated, slightly unknown and somewhat controversial way, varying tribes and families came together to form a ruling power over parts of what would eventually become Belarus, Ukraine, and Russia. This was the creation of Slavic culture and its center was Kyiv, Ukraine.  For more than half a century power was consolidated, language developed, trade was established, and culture flourished from Kievan Rus.  Its decline began, like many societies, with the Golden Horde.  You can argue for the Mongol invasion bringing new technology, tolerance, and riches or against its atrocities, poverty, and chaos, but either way, it led to the disintegration of Kievan Rus. Largely due to its geographical location, Ukraine was fought over by surrounding powers as they grew out of the so called Tatar Yoke.  Its fertile soil, natural resources, and port cities egged on tyrannical leaders who saw Ukraine in terms of building power for themselves.  Not much has changed since then.

Several internal wars ravaged Ukraine during and after World War I and in 1922 Ukraine officially became part of USSR, giving us the now unpopular term "The Ukraine."  I've never really been able to figure out why Hitler has the worst reputation of horrifying murderous despots of the 20th century.  Even the tiniest of glimpses into Soviet times should give anyone reason to nominate Stalin for that particular award.  Forcing people off their land, taking any kind of minimum sustenance needed for their survival, gulag death camps and God knows what other atrocities were committed against Ukrainians under his reign of terror.  Although this is true of all Soviet countries, Ukraine was especially hard hit by "Holodomor" or, forced starvation. We'll probably never know if it was purposeful (I'd be shocked if it wasn't) or how many people died (could be upwards of 6 million.)  But either way, it was devastating to Ukraine, for years, and has continued to be mired in controversy, cover up, and questionable information.

Of course much the Eastern Front of World War II came right on the heals of Holodomer and Ukraine took years to recover from the devastation.  But, natural resources and industrialization, combined with many Ukrainians who grew to power-Brezhnev in the government, Korolev invented Sputnik-helped Ukraine to overcome many challenges and emerge as a leading power in the USSR.  Then of course came Chernobyl. Occurring in 1986, it was possibly the worst nuclear reactor disaster in history.  Seven million people lived in the contaminated area and we may never how many people were affected, or continuing results of the fall out.  I grew up in the 80s and doomsday nuclear scenarios were a part of my childhood.  But the real life nightmare of this catastrophe is unimaginable.  Not just a few years later though, it was followed by another unimaginable turn of events, the fall of communist Russia.  I remember this well too, "Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall!"  In August of 1991, Ukraine was declared an independent democratic state.  Former Soviet states face many of the same challenges as colonized territories-corruption, poverty, dismal infrastructure, and powerful neighbors who still want to rule over none of their business.  You can read up on current Ukrainian events at just about any website, just try to remember if there is a bias you are reading into (my bias is fairly obvious, some are not!)  But in the meantime, I will focus on the incredible side of Ukraine. Prokofiev, Golda Meir, Sonia Delaunay, Yakov Smirnoff, Oksana Baiul, Taras Shevchenko, and Victor Petrenko.  Google any of them, you won't be sorry you did-and the best may be yet to come! Hundreds of years, a history steeped in beautiful art, rich tradition, nearly constant turmoil, and a passionate sense of identity. Ukraine. Its name is probably derived a term meaning "borderland." Ukraine borders Russia, shares many cultural aspects, but there is a border, it is its own country.

So maybe underneath my love of Russian culture, was a secret passion for Ukraine.  I'll tell you something funny.  At some point during my Russian studies, I think it was in my second year,  I came across the term, "Solnishko."  It's kind of a term of endearment, meaning, little sun, or, sunshine.  I don't know why but I promptly adored it!  I determined that I would use it someday.  I really thought I could name a child or at least a pet Solnishko, and such a cute nickname, "Sollie!"  Years went by and neither of my kids are named Solnishko and neither are my cats-somehow Sunshine doesn't work for gray cats :/  In doing research for Ukrainian adoptions I came across an orphanage in southern Ukraine.  Its name, Solnishko.  They have a website and you can support the orphanage through donations and view their financial reports.  I honestly have not researched it much so cannot speak to its integrity but the memory of my little love for this name was so striking that I have been thinking of it ever since then.

In the next blog I'll let you know where we are at with our "paper baby" but in the meantime I hope you enjoyed a bit of our heart for this country and its history with us and the world. Adopting a little boy means Ukraine will be part of our family forever, an honor and a responsibility. It's one that I can hardly wait for but also don't take lightly.  Just wait a little longer Solnishko, mama's coming.