Sisters, Sisters

I started this blog when I found out I was pregnant with Evelyn, our first child, who is now six years old. I remember the day so clearly.  I took the pregnancy test when Bard was at work, pretty sure it would be positive.  I cooked a special dinner, set out our china and crystal goblets, and placed a present for him on his plate.  He was a bit surprised when he opened the present and saw, "Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel" which he had told me a few weeks prior was his favorite book from childhood.  He looked at me and said, "Oh, that's nice of you."  But was obviously puzzled!  I looked back at him with a little smile and said, "It's not for you. . ." :)  He figured it out!

Fast forward more than six years and here we are, two beautiful daughters, blessed to have a wonderful family.  But it's not quite complete.

Since we're waiting on our USCIS clearance (Immigration) and then will submit our dossier to Ukraine and wait to hear from their SDA (Adoption and Children's Rights), I thought I'd share a bit about the family our little guy will be joining.  You already know me-chatty, snarky, artsy, tongue in cheek, more passion than is good for me, and Type A, okay, A.  Bard is the smartest man you'll ever meet, way more subtle than myself (which is not hard), a great husband and father, and passionate about those in need.  But, we're boring. What about the girls?! 

I used to post regular updates on how they were doing and what they were up to, so, here's who will be welcoming little Solnishko to the US!  Well, let's be honest, poor second child will have to wait for the second blog ;)  But I promise an update on Cici too!

Evelyn is a classic first born. She's enjoying a fun year in kindergarten (and not to brag but reading at a second grade level!  Okay, that's bragging, are you surprised?!) She's a unique little mix of an extrovert and introvert, getting shy at new situations and meeting people she's not sure about but thriving in social situations, always wanting to do more, play with more friends, and go more places.  She comes to my ballet class with me and also takes tap class.  Grandpa David bought us a piano a few years ago and Evelyn has been talking lessons ever since.  But still, I am asked on a regular basis if she can take swimming, soccer, gymnastics, Irish step dancing, violin, and anything else that pops in her mind.  She seems to think that our time and money are everlasting :)  She's bossy. . .err. . .I mean a good leader!  And we are trying to help her learn how to influence people in a positive manner, encouraging and teaching them instead of dictating and annoying them.  Sometimes there is only a subtle difference between the two :)

I think you go through phases with each child, and when I started thinking about this blog post last week (when I intended to write it), I was feeling a bit frustrated about the phase I was in with Evelyn.  From a very early age Evelyn showed that while she was mellow in an adaptable, flexible way that made parenting through trips, changes, and new routines fairly easy, she is also a force.  Make that FORCE. She is driven, she wants more, she questions everything, she is constantly engaged, constantly searching. Constantly exhausting!  I think as she grows this will be one of her greatest strengths.  Let's face it, there are lots of things in our world that should be questioned and we need people who will want something better, something new, something unknown-and people who will make it happen.  That's Evelyn.  But, when it's five o'clock, you're trying to make dinner, you can't for the life of you figure out why the "why phase" didn't end at 2 years old for your child like it did for everyone else's, and you just need her to Sit. Quietly. For. One Minute.  It can be a bit frazzling!

But that was last week and then this week happened and spun me around from being frustrated with my daughter to being her biggest advocate and fighting for her rights in a place where her protection should have been everyone's first priority. If you want the whole story, you're going to have to buy me a combination of chocolate, caffeine, and alcohol-all of which I have had extra of the past 8 days!

Dear World at Large, My husband's intellect and research capabilities can run circles around you and I have more passion and fury than a pantheon of Greek gods.  Do. Not. Mess. With. My Child.

So what does this have to do with anything?  Well, it's just where I'm at right now, which means I'm sharing with you :)  But honestly, I had a bit of an epiphany a midst all the chaos.  I've worried some about what needs my little guy will have and how I will meet them-in a patient and consistent manner-or if I will just fall apart.  I'm sure both will happen to an extent!  But a few weeks ago, when I posted about Love Alone is Worth the Fight, I was really just thinking about the fight to get him here, not all the fights we'll battle out once he's here.  And those fights are not clean paperwork, they are messy and physical.  Fights with him and fights for him.  Fights as a family and fights tearing at our family.  The past week has left me a bit battle scarred, and it's not even over yet.  But as I was driving down 6th ave, the sun shining through my windows, Love Alone is Worth the Fight came over the radio again and it suddenly struck me.

I love my child and I will do anything for her.  I will fight this fight for her and she doesn't even know I'm fighting it.  And if I have to fight this battle for a month or a year, or win it now only to fight it again 5 years from now, I will do it.  She's mine. She defined sacrificial love for me when I first laid eyes on her.

Greater love has no one than this. . .

I question everything. I strive, constantly, to make connections. I push, to the point of exhaustion, because I want, no need, no crave, to know WHY.

I would give my drawer full of Cadbury Eggs to know why we've gone on such a tortuous and seemingly endless adoption journey.

Why.

But in that moment, driving, listening, I maybe saw a shimmering glisten of hope. You see, my love is but a shadow.

And if I question, constantly, I do not stop at questioning love.

And then a terrible lie came into the world.  It would never leave. It would live on in every human heart, whispering to every one of God's children, "God doesn't love me."

You see, my fight is but a shadow.

And if I consent to live in shadows, then my constant striving will never know peace. My struggle will be endless, no matter what I achieve, today, tomorrow, or ever.

Complete Joy (which is Evelyn's name) is found at the utter- lay down my arms and pick up grace-acceptance of what has been fought for me.  Just me.  And won.  For me.

So I will be like a child, picking up my little toy guns and pew pew pewing at all the bad guys who are in my way.  Because maybe that will teach me just a little bit to look up and see that my fight's been won.  And that it was worth it, all along, love is worth the fight.