Helps to Make the Season Bright

Okay I'm still here. And, I finally caught up on pictures, November's are posted to the right. The past several weeks have been challenging and rewarding, overwhelming and peaceful. I know that a miscarriage at any time of year would be horrible, but I was depressed just thinking about it during Christmas. I love Christmas, really love Christmas. I actually love the busyness, the shopping, the baking, the parties, the music, the wrapping, and all that goes with it. especially with Evelyn being a year and a half now, I was really looking forward to enjoying some fun traditions with her-Zoolights, getting a tree, and singing Christmas carols. But I as worried that I would be too sad to enjoy time with her, time with our family. Through lots of prayers and support, I feel like God has blessed me in being able to take part in joy, amidst sorrow. I've definitely had moments of sadness (just now I almost cried while watching the Obama's dog frolic in the snow, so I'm definitely still a bit unbalanced!) But I've had so many moments of fun, new memories, and experiences that I will always treasure. To me, that seems like a miracle.

Seeing Evelyn experience everything that is Christmas to me has really helped my healing process. She loved decorating the tree, and undecorating, and decorating, and undecorating, and decorating. . .She also loved eating a sugar cookie for the first time, actually I think she just ate the frosting, but that was a first she liked too! We bought a wooden Advent Calendar and every morning she opens a box, takes out a figurine from the nativity scene and places it on the stable backdrop. Right now there is a cow on the roof, a star in the stable, and shepherds flying through the air! It sounds cheesy, but I am so excited about her opening presents! We're just giving her a few things, but I know she'll enjoy them and I can't wait to experience that with her.

Bard's sister is in town and we finished the basement room just last week, for her to stay in. I'm so amazed at how hard Bard has worked, but also how much he has been here for me. We've shared some beautiful times together, happy and sad, and with Genevieve here, parties and Christmas to look forward to, I'm very thankful.

When the Rain Comes

Many years ago I listened to an album called Come Together by the band Third Day. It defined my life for longer than I wanted it to. I remember crying in my front room on Ferry Street as I tried to figure out if I could put my life back together.

I paint a picture I think it's easier to live that way But my heart is really broken I'm not the man you think I am when you see me each day Torn apart and then left open

I cried driving down Alder Street because I just needed it to be over. I needed to be rescued from the pain.

Father come and fill me up

I can't wait for you to overflow my cup

My heart makes me wonder how much longer

Til you're coming back to take me away

My heart longs for you to fly right through the sky

And take me to a place where I

Will never feel my heart break down again

But God did not swoop in and carry me away. Instead He sent all of you, to lift me up when I fell and hold me when I couldn't go on. And that was beautiful. Little by little I started to feel like I could make it, at least through one day.

It's alright it's okay

I won't worry about tomorrow

For it brings me one more day

Closer than I was to you

I started to heal. But that album continues to define pain for me and that I why I am listening to it today. And crying, again. My life is worlds away from where it was. I love Bard and I love Evelyn. And I love my second child. A child I don't get to see born. A child I will carry with me for the rest of my life. My child. I knew what the Doctor would find. I knew I had lost my baby. But I still wanted to hear the impossible. But I didn't. I believe in God and I believe in His love. And I don't think I have the right to question Him. But He gives me the grace to. So I do. I don't know why I lost this baby and maybe I never will. But many years ago I learned that I didn't need to know. Somewhere in the midst of all this pain, there is God. And He will hold me til it goes away.

When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away

When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace

To run and hide

Escape the pain

But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain but I will hold you til it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things you've done

When the storm fades you know that rain has fallen on everyone

So rest awhile

It will be alright

No one loves you like I do

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain but I will hold you

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again

I can't stop the rain but I will hold you til it goes away

Thankful for the Pink Lines!