Why?
Community.
Adoption is a funny thing. After having two biological children and being in the adoption process for over a year now, I can definitely say adoption is the harder of the two-at least for us. It's more expensive, more draining, more time, and more work. And, it's more isolating. But that's one of the funny things. It may be more isolating with the people who are actually in your daily life, but it's the opposite with the people across the state, country, and even world.
You see, nearly every day of being pregnant, someone asks you about it. How far along are you? How are you feeling? Boy or girl? Names? They want to touch your belly, tell you about their pregnancies, their kids, their labor stories. Basically, share the experience with you. Ironically, this is something that often drives pregnant women crazy! Probably because the questions come constantly and not just from good friends but from random cashiers at Target.
Adoption is the opposite. Some of my most surreal moments have been when the cashier at Target (yes, I shop at Target a lot, I was there twice this week, why do you ask?) asks me how I'm doing and what I want to say is I'm absolutely drowning, just want to curl up and cry, I can't face one more delay, one more unknown, one more moment of living across the world from a tiny piece of my heart who just happened to be born in another country. But what I do say is, "Fine, thanks." Because in pregnancy everyone can see your baby growing on the outside but with adoption no one can see your heart growing inside of you.
So, you reach out. I read blogs about Ukrainian adoptions the way I used to read Teen Magazine. Well, that was a long, long. . .long, time ago! I scour forums and join facebook groups. In fact, one of the first things I love doing in the morning is reading my facebook feeds for the several Ukrainian groups I'm a part of-it just makes me happy to see how everyone is doing. Yes, maybe that makes me lame. However, I did just admit to reading Teen Magazine so I'm not sure what you expect from me!
The not-so-crazy thing is that it works. See, I think about our adoption every minute. Every. Waking. Minute. Ever play Seven Degrees of Kevin Bacon? Try one degree of adoption! Ask me anything. Did I hear that dog barking? Hmm, I've heard there are a lot of stray dogs in Ukraine, I wonder if that will be an issue for us. Did I reorder Cecilia's medicine? Hmm, I should make a list of medicines we need to take with us when we travel. Did the mail come? Oh, THAT is a loaded question! So while when I was pregnant, I probably did get a bit impatient with the barrage of questions, now I crave them. Go ahead, ask me how many times I checked FedEx tracking to see if they had overnighted our clearance letter. No really. I dare you!
But it is few and far between that I get asked about our adoption. It is mostly by close friends, who know I have become psychotic and think it's kind of sweet, a few random people who make my whole day light up when they ask how things are going, and then the largest group of people-the ones I've never actually met, but who are now oh so dear to me.
Friends in the South, friends in Canada, friends in California, friends in Iowa. Friends who live in places I can't find on a map (sorry Mid West, you know I love you!) Adoption is very isolating. Adoption is also community building. Maybe I didn't want to hear everyone's labor stories, but I want to know everything about your adoption journey! Where did you eat? What was your mattress like? What did people wear? How did you pass the time? You might think I made those questions up, but I have read them, not in just one blog, but over and over and over again. We're all like little adoption sponges, soaking up as much information as possible. Much of the information that we want to know will be forever out of our grasp. The rest of it seems to be someone's cruel interpretation of on a need to know basis. If you think you know a detail, it changes. If you want to know a timeframe, you can't. Anything you would like to be in control of? Nope, sorry! So instead, please tell me about the lunch cart you found near the SDA's office where you ate before your appointment. And I will love it. And I will look for that lunch cart. And I will experience your journey with you.
Community.
Towards the end of my pregnancy with Evelyn, I began to feel very isolated. That feeling continued throughout most of her first year. Bard and I knew we needed to share life with close friends and we made a few small changes that impacted our family in some pretty big ways. Friendships were built and those friends have carried us through two pregnancies, a miscarriage, a job change, two career changes, health scares, and much, much more. Life. In many ways, we are here because of those friends. And I know they will continue to lift us up through this adoption process and beyond. Looking back, I can see very clearly why I went through that loneliness and how the timeline led so perfectly to the relationships we have now.
Looking back on this past year, I can't see very clearly yet. But unique friendships have formed and had we not chosen Kazakhstan first or switched to Ukraine when we did, our adoption community would not be the same. I now share life with people all over the country who have faced the same decisions we did, walked through the same delays, suffered the same heartache, grabbed on to the same hope, and watched their hearts grow, outside of their own country, across the world. With their community.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross,scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:1-3
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