I Will Not Wait

One January night in 2004 I sat sleepless in my bed. My first marriage was officially over and I no longer recognized my own life.  Surprised that I went through a divorce?  So was I. The explanation behind that bewildering mess is for another time, but suffice to say I was suddenly facing a huge unknown.  Friends, who knew all I had been through, tried to be kind, "You're young, you'll find someone else, at least you didn't have children."  Well meaning but meaningless because for months I had been grieving the loss of those very same dreams.  There were no guarantees and I had to accept that fact or live in misery.  So  I was just a bit shocked when in an instant, as I was sitting in the dark, peace like a river washed over me.

Why?

Shadows on the wall

Noises down the hall

Life doesn't frighten me at all

 

Bad dogs barking loud

Big ghosts in a cloud

Life doesn't frighten me at all

 

 

In the blink of an eye, months of anxiety and grief sloughed off my soul as I remembered that I had nothing to fear. No, I was not healed of my past but I was reminded that I had a future.  I was reminded of redemption.  I was reminded of truth, of hope, of all things working together...

 

 

Mean old Mother Goose

Lions on the loose

Life doesn't frighten me at all

 

Dragons breathing flame

On my counterpane

Life doesn't frighten me at all

 

 

Yes, I still dreamt of walking down the aisle, I still longed to be a mom but instead of clinging to my dreams I loosened my grip and just enjoyed them. I was done waiting and I started trusting.  For too many years I had fought  hard and lost-or won-the battle over control. I tried to live out the life I thought I wanted but by forcing my own story I re wrote the fairy tale and the Beast ended up just being, well, a beast.

 

 

I'm an empty page

I'm an open book

Write your story on my heart

Come on and make Your mark

 

 

Fast forward ten years. . .My life is the very picture of redemption.  My dreams have been bought back and built up ten times over. I have many moments where I step back, look at my life, and honestly could not imagine it being any more perfect.  Of course then one of my picture perfect children decides to open her mouth and we go downhill from there but I enjoy the moment while it lasts!

 

I go boo

Make them shoo

I make fun

Way they run

I won't cry

So they fly

I just smile

They go wild

 

 

I just smile, They go wild

 

Maya Angelou was phenomenally brilliant.  She knew what was behind her smile.  She had joy and she lived it out completely, to the full. 

 

It's been hard to smile lately.  Too much waiting. So instead of going wild, my fears have been running wild.  But at some point last week that started to change.  At first I chose to fear the change as well.  Maybe I only felt better because things were finally seeming to go better.  Maybe I am a fair weather fearer.  We finally submitted our dossier, officially, to the Ukrainian government.  So for the first time in 18 months our adoption had finally made it to a foreign country.  Miracle number one.  And, amazingly, tensions were easing in Ukraine, elections went well and Putin was pulling back his storm troopers.  Miracle number two. But maybe things would go bad again and I would despair.

 

Or maybe I could face my fears, see them for what they were, loosen my hold, and just enjoy my dream.

 

 

Don't show me frogs and snakes

And listen for my scream

If I'm afraid at all

It's only in my dreams

 

I've got a magic charm

That I keep up my sleeve

I can walk the ocean floor

And never have to breathe

Life doesn't frighten me at all

Not at all

Not at all

 

 

Wednesday I was driving across the bridge and I felt my life open up before me. There was no need to wait, it was time to live.  I feel like time has sped up.  Realistically I don't think we'll travel before mid July.  But  our agency wants us to be ready by end of June, their last family had one month between submission to SDA and their appointment, in Kyiv, to officially be referred to their child.  We submitted May 29th. The clock has started and so I decided to do what most people would do:  arrange house sitters, make dentist appointments, purchase luggage, plan internet and cell usage while in country, coordinate yard work, discuss plans for the girls, call about a hair appointment (I can't get a referral to meet my third child with all the gray from my first two children showing!), look up flights, book one summer camp for Evelyn, start a new job, find out about car seats, and buy a Ukrainian t shirt.  That was Friday.  No need to wonder why my hair turns gray!

 

I believe there is purpose in waiting.  But waiting itself is not the purpose. Life, in the full. Now I'm alive, and living the life I am meant to live.

 

 

Author of my hope

Maker of the stars

Let me be Your work of art

Won't you write Your story on my heart