Do You Not Know?

Whoever said adoption was like a roller coaster should be shot.  Okay, that's a little extreme, even for a joke, how about they be water boarded?  Sorry, I can't resist :)  My point is saying adoption is like a roller coaster is possibly the greatest over simplification.  Ever. ! First, a roller coaster is fun.  Second, it is over in seconds.  And the further we get into this process the more I realize it is like a marathon, grueling, painful, draining, and to complicate the matter-you don't know what's around the next bend or when it will end.  It's a waiting game, one that you must be able to see little glimmers of hope in or you will lose.

renew your strength. . .

We're so early into this experience, we have so much ahead of us, but I feel grateful to already have learned so much.  As I mentioned before, surprisingly, everything with the paperwork has gone well, definitely work (it's interesting to take two small children and a crying cat to the vet to get a rabies vaccine since all animals under your roof must have proof of rabies vaccinations) but it's coming along well.  We're ready to schedule our social worker's visit and we're just about done with all the (for now) required paperwork.  It's regular life that has been the marathon.  I shared some about the additional pressures we've been dealing with, and thankfully Cecilia's health is doing better, but this week was still a knock down drag out fight in other areas and by Wednesday I overwhelmed-physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  Interestingly, it was big picture problems getting me down, not the little details.  Which is odd, because I am not one to get stressed over the big picture, but I can be absolutely frantic over the details.

you will soar on wings like eagles. . .

A Kazakh Eagle Hunt.

An old Kazakh proverb states, "There are three things a real man should have, a fast horse, a hound, and a golden eagle." Just a bit of a cowboy culture going on there :)  Hunting with eagles is considered an art, one that has been in practice for hundreds of years and is a valuable part of their culture. The Golden Eagle can reach up to three feet in height and a speed of 120 mph as it soars from above to capture its prey.  Maybe it's because I'm American, maybe it's because they are just spectacular, but eagles seem to embody the very essence of freedom.  I was thinking this week that sometimes our freedom is imposed on by others, but sometimes we place our own obstacles in the way of experiencing freedom.  When I'm teaching my elementary kiddos, we call this a "Baditude" :)  At the start of the week, I was presented with a ton of beautiful little details about the adoption-exactly the way I feel love!  My items from Kazakhstan came in the mail (you may remember that the director of our agency actually bought me souvenirs while she was in country working on the adoption program!)  Sweet little vests and hats for all three children, and a toy horse for Baby Boy's room.  I was so excited! Alongside that fun, I've been able to connect with three women who are adopting (or considering adopting) from Kazakhstan-and one of them just got their referral for a 15 month old boy!! (Sound familiar?!)  So excited for you and your family!  As many of you know, a big love language for me is communication and connection.  Just making these connections, having someone to talk to about all the craziness that's in my head, it means the world to me-helps me cope with the fact that my little son is on the other side of the world.  I feel Love through details, through connections, and that is exactly how I was shown Love.  But if I choose to focus on the big hot mess (I know I said I was too old for that phrase, but it's just so fun!) then I am held captive by my own attitude.  I enjoy no freedom, just slavery.  Only when I open my eyes to all that is happening (ironically, looking at the big picture!) can I soar, on Love, free, above anything that tries to entangle me in depression.

Baby's vest and horse.

you will run and not grow weary. . .

This is a marathon.  And the times that are the hardest, the times that I have to run-to something or from something-are the times when I most need to focus on what's at the end of the marathon.  I might not know when or how this race will end, I might not know the twists or turns, but I know who is running the race with me, and I know who is waiting for me at the end.  And that is all I need to know.  I mentioned in my last post (or one of them, I write a lot, who can keep track?) that I wanted Kazakhstan items for Valentine's Day.  After all, a piece of my heart is there, somewhere in Central Asia.  Bard knew that I wanted a book and music about Kazakhstan but he went above and beyond so much that he gets bonus points for a long time!  He ordered a t shirt for me that has the Kazakh coat of arms on it and a locket that has a picture of the same coat of arms in it-and a place to put a picture of my Baby Kaz.  And yes, the book and music too :)  I'm so thankful to be going through this race with a man like him.  In all that we've been through lately there is one word that comes to mind repeatedly when I think of him.  Integrity.  That is a man I want by my side and that is a man who is a great father, and who will be a great father, to a little boy who needs him so much.  And when I think of that blessing, and know that it is part of my Hope, and Future, then I can keep running.

My locket and girls' vests.

you will walk and not be faint. . .

At some point, maybe we will just be experiencing regular life while going through an adoption!  But I know that it will probably flip flop-the adoption process will become challenging and emotional, while our regular life goes back to (as much as it ever was) mundane.  And eventually, the two will meld into some new, as yet unknown, kind of normal.  Although we're not there right now, I know from past experience that sometimes just walking through life is the most difficult task of all.  If the regular is still regular but the outside is crushing down upon you, it's so hard to get up, get dressed, tie your shoes, and go about your day. When we have to leave our baby in Kazakhstan, after spending a month with him, how on earth will I get up the next day and continue on like my life wasn't just ripped from me?  Renew my strength.  Soar like eagles.  Run and not be weary. I will walk and not be faint because of Truth I am experiencing right now.  Because I will carry this Love with me, no matter what.  Because I know.  Because I Hope.  This is my race, this is my marathon.