Soon End In Joy

See the t shirt?

We had a summer bucket list. Tomorrow is the first day of fall and I've been quite retrospective about summer, as it draws to an end. What did we set about to do?

Fun family times:  Trip to the wave pool-check.  The girls loved it and would have gladly played for hours more in the water had their mother not been exhausted :)  We rounded out the night with burgers and milkshakes at Shake Shake Shake and a walk through Stadium High School-awesome.  A camping trip over Labor Day weekend was also a huge success despite the fact that the park bathrooms broke the second night there and we renamed our girls whiny pants and grabby hands (if you know us, there should be no question who is who!)  We had a great time taking little hikes, swimming in the lake and eating delicious meals, why does food always taste better when eaten outside?  And, we ate outside throughout the summer, BBQs on our porch, trips to the park with Tatanka take out for dinner (can you say buffalo?!) and popsicles enjoyed during summer evening walks through UPS.  The college, not the delivery service :) Summer reading club-check.  I love trips to the library as a way to share different cultures with the girls. Even now in our book basket we have a Russian folk tale (thinly veiled children's story of Animal Farm!) a book about Pablo Picasso, Louis Armstrong, and a poem about cats. That might make me seem like a super star mom except for the fact that the two books my girls ask for most are Cinderella and Barbie.  Sigh.  I try soooo hard!

Speaking of reading, our goal for the  summer with Evelyn was for her to memorize a verse each week and know her kindergarten sight words.  Eleven verses-check.  Kindergarten sight words-check.  In two weeks and then she got bored and started to make patterns with the words and create example sentences with each one.  So we moved on to first grade words and addition with double digit numbers-check.  I honestly don't know what to do with that child, I may just send her off to college right now!

Bard's goal was to take the girls on a little day hike to Mount Rainier.  We fit it in by surprising him on his birthday, packed up the girls, cupcakes, a backpack frame for Cici, and headed up the mountain.  Despite the rumblings of thunder, somehow managing to leave Evelyn's shoe in the parking lot, and spending the last half a mile convincing Evelyn to. . . STAND UP AND KEEP WALKING! We had a good time :)  I love my mountain and yes, it is my mountain, both girls call it that as well although Evelyn has started telling me that it can't just be my mountain, I have to share.  We'll see.

Weekly trips to the Farmer's Market, both girls in swim lessons, BBQing with friends-check, check, check. I guess as summer ends, I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I'm trying to, I really am.  But I'm not.  I'm really not.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows but Jesus

I love the time we've had as a family.  We were very purposeful about it, fitting it in when it looked like it would be too squishy.  Passing on other commitments because we wanted these memories.  Needed them. Our last times with the girls before traveling to the other side of the world.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Glory Hallelujah ~ Louis Armstrong

Because those family memories were supposed to be preparation for adding to our family.  At the end of the bucket list was:  Complete dossier, accept referral, fly to Kazakhstan.  I worried that the girls would miss their first day of school.  I worried that we would leave before Bard had time to feel secure in his new job. Then I worried that we would never travel at all.  We heard the papers were ready.  Officials had given the go ahead.  And then we heard about the court case.  And so did the Kazakhstan government.    The details are disgusting, search for them on your own if you want, I'm not going into them here. Suffice to say that an evil exists in the world and anyone who doubts its existence is blind to the plight of orphaned children.

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand.  The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. ~ Psalm of David


Our courts moved too slowly and one delay rolled into another while our agency worried that the monstrosity of a crime would cast a pall over all US adoptions.  And they would be shut down.  Indefinitely. And then any information we were receiving simply shut down.  And so did I.  I lived in tears and helplessness.  And waiting.  Depression.

God hears your sighs and counts your tears

And then I snapped.  I could not be in the dark any longer, there had to be someone out there who knew something.  I called and emailed and researched. Congress is probably completely incapable of doing anything regarding Syria, healthcare, or the budget.  But damned if one of them couldn't help me adopt a child from Central Asia.  We learned that our ambassador for Children's Issues with the State Department was preparing a trip to Kazakhstan, meeting with officials regarding US adoptions.  And we learned that although there was certainly some misgivings in Kazakhstan regarding US adoptions, there was also support for it to reopen, and to do so quickly.  Maybe not my definition of quickly, but I'll take what I can get!  And then, the best, most nerve wracking news of all.  Our agency, which has been extremely conservative-for good reason-about us working on our dossier, gave the green light.  One week ago I was told I could move forward on the 30 documents required by the Kazakhstan government before they will approve us for adoption and refer a child to become part of our family.  Please do not ever get in my way when I am on the move, especially when it concerns my child!  I am waiting on 2 documents, getting 9 of them notarized and driving down to Olympia next week to get the whole set apostilled.  It should be in the mail to our agency by Friday.  If there is an Emmy for fastest dossier assembly ever, then could someone please nominate me for it?

God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

Now we go to Monday.  A month ago, the sentencing for the couple convicted of abusing their adopted Kazakhstan children was rescheduled.  For Monday.  Our ambassador is in Kazakhstan and meeting with the government.  On Monday.

I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy. ~ Psalm of David

Do you believe in God?  Maybe you do, maybe you don't.  Maybe you've never thought about it.  Maybe you think religion is simply a crutch, clung to by the desperate.

I am desperate.

Pray.  You don't believe in prayer?  Pray anyway.    Have you ever thought there might be a God out there and wondered if He listens to you?  Pray.  Have you ever thought that if there was a God that He should prove His existence to you?  Pray.  Ever wondered why God doesn't act against injustice and answer the cry of children in need?  Pray.  I'm begging you, on my knees, get down on your knees and ask God to move. Move heaven and earth in defense of these children.  Move in mighty ways against wickedness and to prove love.  Pray. Am I bossy?  Forcing my beliefs on you?  Bias in my way of life over yours?  I don't care.  I care about one thing and one thing only.  People who deserve it, going to jail for the rest of their lives, never able to hurt an innocent child again - for justice - and to show the Kazakhstan government that those people do not speak for the countless families who are honored at the opportunity to embrace a child as their own. This week could change our lives forever.  Pray, please pray.

Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait, because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy ~ Jars of Clay

Sports Camp, August, and the Story Behind the Wait

Bard and Evie at Sports Camp

It's been exactly one month since my last blog post.  Our lives have been a whirlwind but unfortunately not a whirlwind of adoption movement :(  I thought it would be good to let you know what we've been up to, what we're looking forward to, and although I haven't mentioned it before now, what's behind all the delays.

Last week I finished my biggest work event of the year-Sports Camp. Over a hundred and fifty children from the community came and played all week with us; it was awesome!   Bard volunteered, along with 140 other volunteers and Evelyn was old enough to participate as well, which she loved!  But, it meant a sitter every night for Cici, doubling my work hours for the month of July, and after all the stress, now our whole family is sick :/

A lifetime ago, I had imagined getting "the call" while preparing for Sports Camp.  Because, I originally thought our dossier would be turned in sometime during June and hoped to have a referral by the end of July. That was pretty optimistic, even for me, and as time went on we realized that we probably would not even be submitting our dossier this summer.  So, then I just hoped to hear Kaz would open this month, and for a brief time, it looked like that might actually happen in the middle of July.  There are a few officials in Kaz who were ready to sign off on the reopening of US adoptions and on July 11th and 12th I was holding my breath and checking my email every few seconds.  But, the 12th came and went with no opening and the officials went on vacation.  Until the first week of August.  They must not have realized that if they had opened on the 11th they would have given me the most incredible birthday present ever!!  Kaz, like many European and Asian countries, has way better vacations for its employees than we do, a fact that has never been more upsetting than now.  So, in my mind, if they are on vacation until the first week of August, they should be back at work Thursday, I'll give them a day to respond to all their emails, and then the country reopens Friday, right? Well. Perhaps not.  So, I'm in limbo now, for another 3 days.  Then on Friday I begin my climb into hope again. August is hope month.  Hope for a quick reopening.  Hope for the fastest ever dossier assembly, translation, and submission.  Hope for a baby.

Every other adoptive family knows what we're going through-the constant cycle of delays, hope, and more work.  That's why the reason for the delay is all the more frustrating.  We found out sometime in spring what the hold up was but I debated sharing it because, well, I'm honestly not sure why, it just seemed  awkward. If you do a tiny bit of research, you can discover the reason yourselves, and there have been articles recently in the international news.  So, since it's kinda out there, I figured I may as well share, from our perspective. The short story is that every adoptive Kaz family is required to submit yearly reports, until the child is 18 years of age. When you first begin your adoption process, you are made aware of this fact and often pay up front for many of the reports-which is what we did.  Now, about a year ago, there was quite a hullabaloo regarding a ranch (oddly, just a few states over from where we live) that took in high risk internationally adopted children. Apparently there was a licensing disagreement with this ranch and local government (read between the lines or google it for yourself) and the Russian government got involved due to some of their adopted children being at the ranch.  Tip-if the Russian government is criticizing someone's care of children with special needs, that is a bad-almost to the point of being ridiculous- sign.  Turns out, there were Kaz children at the ranch as well and turns out, those families had not filed their reports.  Turns out, that made the Kaz government quite upset-and rightfully so in my opinion!  As I've said before, Kazakhstan has an adoption process that is quite a bit more stringent than other countries.  You could be cynical and argue why they operate in such a manner.  But I've read many adoptive Kaz blogs and I truly believe they care greatly for their orphans.  Kazakhstan is unique when compared to many other Central Asian and Former Soviet Union Countries.  Their economy, government, and unity differs from countries around them and is due to a variety of reasons, some of which go back centuries and some of which stem from how Kazakhstan's leaders ushered their country out from under the fall of communism.  I'm reading a fascinating book right now that details that journey, The Lost Heart of Asia by Colin Thubron.

In any case, the Kazakhstan government said that they would not reopen to US adoptions until those families were found and the reports updated.  So began the great game.  Finding the families, getting them to schedule the social worker's visits, filing the reports.  That was early May and by the end of June, both families had filed their reports.  Early July, the reports had been read by Kazakhstan government officials and were seen as favorable. Holding breath. Officials gone on vacation.  Exhale.  If only, if only, if only. Since this is the 2nd or 3rd time in our process that there has been an externally imposed wait period, in which I had no adoption activities to busy myself with, I've noticed a pattern. So for the last few weeks, and probably at least the next few days, I've just stopped.  Stopped haunting my email. Stopped checking adoption forums every day.  Stopped searching for new blogs.  I've had a swarm of work to keep my slightly distracted.  But now I can sense the tide changing again.  In almost a physically charged manner, I'm being pulled back into the hope cycle and am ready to dive, again, into the waves of unknown.  I'll find another Kaz blog and read it start to finish. Daydream about the news of reopening.  Lay out the steps for completing our dossier. Finish The Lost Heart of Asia.  Try my hand at cooking traditional Kazakhstan cuisine (does anyone know where I can get mutton?!)  In essence, immerse myself in Kazakhstan as much as I possibly can until I can actually be in the country itself.

So there you have it. I have high hopes for August.  High, apple pie hopes for the actions of a few people, for a country to reopen, for a dossier to be completed and for all the intricacies involved in those momentous steps to fall delightfully in place before my waiting eyes.  C'mon August, don't let me down!

No News is Good News? Nope, Only Good News is Good News!

And even good news is subjective, sometimes I think how I feel determines if the news is good or not.  Last week we heard that Kaz should be open in July or August.  Which had hopeful families across the country squealing with glee.  But not me, because I was swallowing tears into a pit in my stomach.

I don't know.

Originally we heard Jan or Feb, and honestly, in the adoption scheme of things, this is not such an abnormal delay.  But June has been a deadline in MY mind since last winter, so to be counting down the last days of June, not knowing if we can finish our dossier within a few weeks or within a few months seems pretty discouraging.

The tick tock of the clock is painful.  All sane and logical

Plus, we have tons of waiting ahead of us, so I want to be done with this waiting room and go into the next one, which I'm sure will also be windowless, stocked with magazines from 2008, and have no clock except the one drumming in my head.

I want to tear it off the wall.

Yet, I will wait.

Coincidentally (?) on this emotional roller coaster-and I used to like roller coasters-the ups have been blatant reminders of how sweet success can be.  And, since I have already established how utterly brilliant I am at picking up on signs, it's no surprise that it took me a few days to appreciate the artistry of my waiting journey.  First I heard my song.

Nope.  I didn't just hear it.  The sky sung it to me.  I was driving, and the sky was so big.  And if that sounds familiar to you, it was familiar to me too and kind of messed me up.  I don't know why.  Something about the music and the sky, together, was different than they have been before.  The experience was just so striking, almost visceral.  I actually took a moment and wrote a note to myself about it, thinking, I need to remember this little slice of time.

Then the next day, I heard the song again.  Then again.  Then, after waiting anxiously all day to hear a court ruling on a domestic adoption for friends mine, the judge ruled in their favor!  And immediately after, I heard the song again.  The following day another friend (a Kaz PAP from Canada) completed the waiting period-making her little boy officially, hers.  And I heard the song again.

Are you sick of all my posts on waiting?  Me too!  I mean, how many different ways can I write about the same experience?!  Last week my whole chest felt tight with waiting.   How do you wait with strength and not just get frustrated?  When it's the middle of the night, how do you know joy comes in the morning?  But isn't it an interesting coincidence that I saw, and heard, so much success all around me?  Other people's experiences provided a whole new feeling of hope.  Nuanced, but hope nonetheless.

My hope is really that I learn to remember, and remember faster than I did before.  If I wander, I want to return, and be sealed, I know where I belong and I am not enslaved to my emotions. I don't want to wait, holding on by the skin of my teeth, frustrated and anxious the whole time.   I want to wait with strength.  I don't want to cling to the idea of morning, while drowning in the night, I want to have the joy of the morning with me, in the midst of the night. It's so easy to wallow in waiting.  Forget wallowing, I want to dance!

So if it's not the good news that I want, I'll fake it til I make it!  We got our FBI fingerprints in the mail today (we both were cleared in case you were wondering.)  Now we need to get the second set and that step will be finished. I'm contacting our agency next week-she was hoping to see forward movement by the Fourth, which could maybe mean we start getting our dossier notarized and apostilled.

We're so close, I can feel it!  Maybe my next post will be the best post ever! Worth the wait :)