And even good news is subjective, sometimes I think how I feel determines if the news is good or not. Last week we heard that Kaz should be open in July or August. Which had hopeful families across the country squealing with glee. But not me, because I was swallowing tears into a pit in my stomach.
I don't know.
Originally we heard Jan or Feb, and honestly, in the adoption scheme of things, this is not such an abnormal delay. But June has been a deadline in MY mind since last winter, so to be counting down the last days of June, not knowing if we can finish our dossier within a few weeks or within a few months seems pretty discouraging.
The tick tock of the clock is painful. All sane and logical
Plus, we have tons of waiting ahead of us, so I want to be done with this waiting room and go into the next one, which I'm sure will also be windowless, stocked with magazines from 2008, and have no clock except the one drumming in my head.
I want to tear it off the wall.
Yet, I will wait.
Coincidentally (?) on this emotional roller coaster-and I used to like roller coasters-the ups have been blatant reminders of how sweet success can be. And, since I have already established how utterly brilliant I am at picking up on signs, it's no surprise that it took me a few days to appreciate the artistry of my waiting journey. First I heard my song.
Nope. I didn't just hear it. The sky sung it to me. I was driving, and the sky was so big. And if that sounds familiar to you, it was familiar to me too and kind of messed me up. I don't know why. Something about the music and the sky, together, was different than they have been before. The experience was just so striking, almost visceral. I actually took a moment and wrote a note to myself about it, thinking, I need to remember this little slice of time.
Then the next day, I heard the song again. Then again. Then, after waiting anxiously all day to hear a court ruling on a domestic adoption for friends mine, the judge ruled in their favor! And immediately after, I heard the song again. The following day another friend (a Kaz PAP from Canada) completed the waiting period-making her little boy officially, hers. And I heard the song again.
Are you sick of all my posts on waiting? Me too! I mean, how many different ways can I write about the same experience?! Last week my whole chest felt tight with waiting. How do you wait with strength and not just get frustrated? When it's the middle of the night, how do you know joy comes in the morning? But isn't it an interesting coincidence that I saw, and heard, so much success all around me? Other people's experiences provided a whole new feeling of hope. Nuanced, but hope nonetheless.
My hope is really that I learn to remember, and remember faster than I did before. If I wander, I want to return, and be sealed, I know where I belong and I am not enslaved to my emotions. I don't want to wait, holding on by the skin of my teeth, frustrated and anxious the whole time. I want to wait with strength. I don't want to cling to the idea of morning, while drowning in the night, I want to have the joy of the morning with me, in the midst of the night. It's so easy to wallow in waiting. Forget wallowing, I want to dance!
So if it's not the good news that I want, I'll fake it til I make it! We got our FBI fingerprints in the mail today (we both were cleared in case you were wondering.) Now we need to get the second set and that step will be finished. I'm contacting our agency next week-she was hoping to see forward movement by the Fourth, which could maybe mean we start getting our dossier notarized and apostilled.
We're so close, I can feel it! Maybe my next post will be the best post ever! Worth the wait :)
1 comment:
You've come such a long way. It's really amazing if you think about it. Six months ago you were mourning your Russian boy, four months ago you were agonizing over this wait. I know it's still agonizing... We waited 14 months and I knew her and what she was living through! But God grew me so much in that time. He's growing you, too, it's plain to see.
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