The N Word, the P Word, and the C Word

Yesterday I sat my oldest child down and talked with her about the use of the N word and what it means for us today. Not because she'd heard it used by someone (although a friend of hers was called it at Bible class and another friend witnessed it used at a park a few blocks from our home.) No, we talked because I'd allowed her to read a book in which it was used in historical context (Roll of Thunder Hear My Cry) and this was just one of many conversations that we had around that book. Besides the obvious of not ever using the word and immediately telling a trustworthy adult if she heard it, we talked about the fact that she was privileged and with that Privilege comes responsibility. Okay. So some of you are nodding in agreement, some of you are rolling your eyes, and some of you just stopped reading altogether. Settle down, it's my blog, nobody gets to be more pissy than me. And. I'm. Very. Pissy.

Here's the deal. This is an ongoing conversation, like any difficult subject should be with our kids.  We've talked before about how important it is for her to stand up and help people. But we went a little deeper this time because, you know, Colin Kaepernick. I explained that it's not enough for her to not ever use that word herself, nor is it enough that she tell others not to use it. What she needs to do is make choices that help people who do use that word know that it's not okay and they will have a consequence, and to support friends who have been treated badly and make sure they know she is there for them.

Whoa. She's nine.

Naturally she was a little troubled and asked if people would be mad it her if she told them to act better. I told her maybe.

She's nine.

I said that yes, they could be mad and that is why, since she is nine, that the first thing she needs to do is get help from an adult. But then I said, "It's okay if they're mad at you, if bad guys are mad at you then you must be doing something right."

Let's read that again because I think our society has lost the ability to be rational about this concept. If evil people are angry at you, you must be doing something awfully awesome to piss them off. Good job.

So we talked about what that might look like and how Jesus did a lot of things that made people pretty upset. I almost never refer to myself as a Christian, but I do follow Jesus and think He has a lot to say on what we should do when people are being mistreated and we are in a position to help them. In fact, I think it's something that Jesus Himself gets pretty angry about. A lot of people are really angry right now, and she knows that, so we talked about what exactly is causing all this anger. I've read and listened a lot about this issue, and here's some of the arguments that I see, and my thoughts on them-based on readings by people far more qualified than I am to speak on this subject.

1. People who do not stand for the national anthem are disrespecting the military, their families, our whole country- basically, they're unpatriotic.

This argument has probably been used against either side since 1776. If one side does something that the other side disagrees with, well, they absolutely must be un-American. The problem with that is that the very concept of people disagreeing with each other is American. Have you listened to Hamilton's Cabinet Battles lately? No? Well, you're obviously crazy and beyond reach, but maybe you've taken a history class. Guess what, the Founding Fathers-yes, those sainted of saints-were awful. Awful. They disagreed, called each other names, printed flyers and entire newspaper articles for the sole purpose of insulting each other. Why? Because they could. I have traveled to countries that do not allow disagreement. If you believe in a country that requires you to follow the party line in order to be patriotic, go live in Russia, you and Putin will be BFFs. If I seem flippant, please know that I am absolutely not. This is how a democracy works, this is how a Republic works, it is at the core of our values that we not only allow protest, we encourage it. It makes us Americans. But is it hurtful to the military personnel who have sacrificed so much for our country to then watch it be disrespected? No, it is not. I'll be careful here. I am not saying that military families don't feel hurt or angry when they feel disrespected. They are entitled to their feelings. In my own life I have learned, through a bajillion counseling sessions, that anger and hurt are often masking feelings, AND, what we feel we are angry about is often being masked as well; the real target can be a bit hidden. Do our military families have a right to feel disrespected when as a country we are completely out of touch with what it means for them to serve so faithfully? When we do not show our gratitude and support for their sacrifice? When we allow Veterans to slip through the cracks and go ignored as they try to get jobs and healthcare? Yes, yes, a million times yes. And we can protest that treatment as a country-while protesting that the flag's freedoms do not cover everyone equally. Actually I think it's the same protest. Our military does not sacrifice so that everyone can stand and salute the flag. They sacrifice because the flag represents people's freedoms to make their own choices, to not be required by the government to follow a certain religion or support a system of oppression. It's not offensive to the military because it's the exact reason our first military was created. We fought a whole war over this concept more than 200 years ago. And less than a hundred years ago we fought another war with a government that did not allow protest against unfair laws and oppression. I've said it before and I'll say it again, my grandfather landed on the beaches of Normandy to fight for those freedoms. Please note I did not say whether or not my grandpa would sit or stand for the flag. Because that's not the point. He fought so that I would have the right to decide for myself and to do so without fear of punishment.

2. But I am fine with them protesting, it's how they protest-they're whining, they are being paid to play football, taking a knee doesn't solve anything.

These excuses are all the same-If I disagree with the way you protest, then that negates your protest and whatever you are protesting about. The problem with that is that it's not in the Constitution either. (see above because this argument is going to look familiar.) When people talk about free speech or protest, typically they're referring to the First Amendment which is actually about the government-that the government can make no law against peaceful protests (free speech, assembling, bringing up issues.) I have three children, trust me, if there was something in the Constitution about whining, I would know about it. This argument reminds me of my children-as they often complain that their sibling is whining-using their most whiny voice. Sorry people, but it's true. It's very hard to complain about someone else's behavior without sounding like you are whining yourself. Case in point, many of you probably think I'm whining right now! Suck it up buttercup. Let other people disagree with you, in ways that you disagree with, and move on. But. For the record. Colin Kaepernick was not whining. In fact, he didn't even say anything! He just sat there, silently. He has since made statements-I've read them-they do not sound whiny. You might disagree with them but to say he is acting like snowflake reflects a lot more on you than him. Again, sorry, parent of three children here-I've seen this a million times and it's just true. He, and others trying to bring attention to Civil Rights issues, are not ungrateful. Most People of Color I talk to or read about are grateful and have a lot of love for our country. But they-and we-can love our country and still be honest, brutally so, about the oppression many People of Color experience every single day. Second, he did not take a knee on the field during the game. Now, I am a Seahawks fan, so if Kaepernick had made his protest by refusing to play, I would have been ecstatic, more points for us! But he kept doing the job he was paid to do, (until he didn't but that's a TOTALLY different blog) most people don't even watch the national anthem anyway, we just care about the coin toss, and I'm pretty sure the Constitution doesn't ever say everyone has freedom of speech except athletes, they should just stick to sports. And that is so unfair anyway. When our athletes and entertainers don't take a stand on issues, we call them dumb jocks and vapid celebrities. We can't have it both ways people.

So does he fix racism in our country by refusing to stand during the national anthem? No. But Rosa Parks didn't fix it by sitting down either. And Martin Luther King Jr didn't fix it by marching on Washington. Should they have shown more respect to our country and just waited patiently and protested differently? No, but that's what they were told at the time. By people who missed the boat on the first Civil Rights Movement. I doubt Kaepernick thought he was going to solve the problem of racism by kneeling during the national anthem. He was simply making the point-personal to him-that he didn't feel the freedom represented by the flag meshed with the systemic oppression he saw on a daily basis. No one action is going to solve any problem in our country, let alone one like racism. But Rosa Parks, MLK Jr, and those who have followed them are trying to create dialogue, to bring awareness, to help us, as a country, to take steps toward becoming a place which embodies liberty and justice. For all. Instead of instantly shutting them down because it's different than what we've experienced, let's listen and see if we can learn, from someone else's experience.

3. They can protest how they want to, I'm still going to stand and respect the flag the way I have a right to.

Totally, that's great, you should do that. But, if you are standing to respect the flag, while doing nothing about the fact that it does not represent freedom for everyone, then you are actually mocking everything it stands for. Sigh. Okay, this is tricky, tricky, pissy, pissy.

Did you know that a black man driving a similar car in a similar way as a white man will get pulled over by the police 80 times compared to...none? Did you know that as early as kindergarten little black boys are punished differently than little white boys-for doing the exact same behavior? Did you know that young white men are more likely to do drugs but young black men are more likely to go to jail for it? Why? Because we have a problem in our country with systemic racism-meaning that the very way our underlying foundation is built, holds some people up and some people down. Everyone can move up, it's just harder if you're black. I could present countless more statistics that show this truth-it's not about whether I get my news from Breitbart or NPR, it's just honest to goodness reality. So I don't need to kneel during the national anthem, because I'm pretty good as far as my rights are concerned. But if I don't actively support other people being able to enjoy those same rights, then I am a hypocrite if I claim them for myself. I am insulting the flag and all it stands for far more than anyone who is on bended knee during our national anthem. Injustice for one is injustice for all.

I told Evelyn that she has a responsibility. She must always treat people with kindness. When she sees something, she must say something. But, if she really wants to live out those values, then she must both support change for the better, and be the instigator of making that change in her world. And she can do it, she can change the world. Because ultimately this is not about a flag, or even a country, this is about humanity.  Colin Kaepernick should be a wake up call, not for respecting beliefs that we hold dear as Americans but for respecting the people that are the purpose of those beliefs. Set the flag down and pick up the principles that it stands for.