No News is Good News? Nope, Only Good News is Good News!

And even good news is subjective, sometimes I think how I feel determines if the news is good or not.  Last week we heard that Kaz should be open in July or August.  Which had hopeful families across the country squealing with glee.  But not me, because I was swallowing tears into a pit in my stomach.

I don't know.

Originally we heard Jan or Feb, and honestly, in the adoption scheme of things, this is not such an abnormal delay.  But June has been a deadline in MY mind since last winter, so to be counting down the last days of June, not knowing if we can finish our dossier within a few weeks or within a few months seems pretty discouraging.

The tick tock of the clock is painful.  All sane and logical

Plus, we have tons of waiting ahead of us, so I want to be done with this waiting room and go into the next one, which I'm sure will also be windowless, stocked with magazines from 2008, and have no clock except the one drumming in my head.

I want to tear it off the wall.

Yet, I will wait.

Coincidentally (?) on this emotional roller coaster-and I used to like roller coasters-the ups have been blatant reminders of how sweet success can be.  And, since I have already established how utterly brilliant I am at picking up on signs, it's no surprise that it took me a few days to appreciate the artistry of my waiting journey.  First I heard my song.

Nope.  I didn't just hear it.  The sky sung it to me.  I was driving, and the sky was so big.  And if that sounds familiar to you, it was familiar to me too and kind of messed me up.  I don't know why.  Something about the music and the sky, together, was different than they have been before.  The experience was just so striking, almost visceral.  I actually took a moment and wrote a note to myself about it, thinking, I need to remember this little slice of time.

Then the next day, I heard the song again.  Then again.  Then, after waiting anxiously all day to hear a court ruling on a domestic adoption for friends mine, the judge ruled in their favor!  And immediately after, I heard the song again.  The following day another friend (a Kaz PAP from Canada) completed the waiting period-making her little boy officially, hers.  And I heard the song again.

Are you sick of all my posts on waiting?  Me too!  I mean, how many different ways can I write about the same experience?!  Last week my whole chest felt tight with waiting.   How do you wait with strength and not just get frustrated?  When it's the middle of the night, how do you know joy comes in the morning?  But isn't it an interesting coincidence that I saw, and heard, so much success all around me?  Other people's experiences provided a whole new feeling of hope.  Nuanced, but hope nonetheless.

My hope is really that I learn to remember, and remember faster than I did before.  If I wander, I want to return, and be sealed, I know where I belong and I am not enslaved to my emotions. I don't want to wait, holding on by the skin of my teeth, frustrated and anxious the whole time.   I want to wait with strength.  I don't want to cling to the idea of morning, while drowning in the night, I want to have the joy of the morning with me, in the midst of the night. It's so easy to wallow in waiting.  Forget wallowing, I want to dance!

So if it's not the good news that I want, I'll fake it til I make it!  We got our FBI fingerprints in the mail today (we both were cleared in case you were wondering.)  Now we need to get the second set and that step will be finished. I'm contacting our agency next week-she was hoping to see forward movement by the Fourth, which could maybe mean we start getting our dossier notarized and apostilled.

We're so close, I can feel it!  Maybe my next post will be the best post ever! Worth the wait :)

Scattered

In the Pacific Northwest, there are twenty different ways to forecast rain.  This is funny to me because in Russia, they have twenty different ways to label snow!  I've only been to Russia in the summer, so I don't know if there really are multiple different, yet accurate descriptions of snow, but I've lived here all my life and I can definitely attest to the fact that there are numerous kinds of rain. By far the most common, scattered showers.  Which is appropriate because that describes my mental state-I mean really, what on earth does Russian snow terminology have to do with anything?!  And, I think scattered showers is a fairly apt description of the adoption process as well.

Let's see.  Weather-wise, scattered showers could mean that it's cloudy all day, raining off and on.  Or, it could mean that it's sunny all day, but some light showers might blow through, once, twice, six times.  Or, it could mean that it's sunny on one street, raining on the next.  In fact, certain parts of the SAME city get noticeably less rain per year than others-and we're not talking big cities, folks, changes just within a few miles are pretty common!

Mama and Dancer :)

That's my mind these days, scattered.  I'm not sure if it's mostly sunny with some rain here and there, or all clouds, accompanied by cold rain.Go ahead and ask me, and if you don't like the answer, wait a minute, I'll change!  I've had some serious moments of sun-Evelyn's first dance recital.  She performed her tap piece onstage while I watched from the wings and then her ballet piece onstage-with me-since I was her teacher!  That theater is home to me and those women are family.  Some of the strongest, most beautiful, and talented people I've ever had the pleasure of working with-and if that's work then I feel bad for people who are sitting in an office!  Evelyn's stage debut was accompanied by visiting family-more sunshine-which led to a bit more busyness-slight chance of shower, Cecilia coming down with a cold-showers turning into rain, but no one else got sick-showers mixed with sun made a rainbow, and a trip with family to the Olympic Peninsula-busy but fun and worth it to be with out of town family-sunny with clouds blowing through.  I lost myself-I can't even keep up with my own weather, for that and about 17 other reasons, it's good that I'm not a weather girl.

The Coast on our trip-cloudy or partly sunny?!

We've experienced some more changing weather.  Because my dance recital (oh yeah, I was kinda in charge of a hundred backstage volunteers) wasn't enough on top of the adoption process, Bard also had his last day of work on June 6th and starts his new job-as CEO (he has always been an over-achiever, it's super annoying!) on the 17th.  Which also happens to be our wedding anniversary, yay.  But, aside from some clouds on the horizon, let's hope that process stays mostly sunny.

Which is the forecast for our adoption process, clouds clearing, sun breaks to follow!  It looks very positive for Kazakhstan to open soon.  The necessary paperwork on the part of our government is being turned in and then it's just a matter of state departments meeting and giving the all clear.  I'm very hopeful for this month, especially as I will turn into a raving lunatic if it's much longer. . .Also on the plus side, our I800a is being processed; we're being finger printed (again) next week, this time for USCIS and although when I talked to the lady at the FBI, she hadn't processed our (second) pair of fingerprints yet, she thought it would be next week.  Everything is coming up roses!  Or should I say tulips, since that flower originated in Kazakhstan? Take that Dutch!

Okay, not sure why I am slamming on the the Dutch, just getting carried away, weather is such a controversial topic! Interestingly, the region in Kazakhstan where we will be adopting from has a continental climate.  Its summers are like ours, warm and dry-not too hot or humid, its winters get a bit more cold and have less rain.  I wonder what season it will be when we are there for our bonding process? With the time requirements, we could see two seasons, but I'm going to hope one is not the dead of winter.  I may have to piss off PETA and embrace the Kazakh culture of wearing fur.  When in Rome. . .

Whatever the weather, I know our circumstances will be a mix of clouds and sun, storms and calm skies. Of course, sunny skies for adoption last about as long as they do for the PNW, but it's so stinking gorgeous when it happens, we'll take what we can get and be grateful.  After all, clouds may blow in and blow out, but the sun never goes away, it's always there, never changing. Clouds are temporary, just like circumstances. And if clouds seem scattered, it's only because they are compared to the sun, which is constant.  Maybe it's hidden, maybe you can't feel it's warmth, but it's there, waiting, right behind the clouds, and it will always come out again.