Team Kaz

Home sick with mama, but still cheering on Team Kaz!

Let's take a break, shall we?  If you want to know how I'm doing with the waiting, feel free to pick any blog from, oh, the past ten months and read it-I guarantee you it's about waiting!

But, life happens while we're waiting and I thought I would focus on one of the more fun things happening right now, the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi Russia.

One of my earliest and favorite childhood memories is of watching the Winter Olympics.  I would turn the knob of the TV, adjust the antenna, and though a grainy picture, magic would appear before my eyes.  I can't tell you how many ice skating shows I put on for my parents (techincally perfect as you can be with with socks on carpet!)  I knew all the skaters and as I grew older I followed their careers, fairy tale journeys full of grace, passion, and of course, drama.  Katarina Witt, Surya Bonaly, Torville and Dean, Scott Hamilton, Oksana Baiul, Gordeeva and Grinkov.  I knew them all, their routines, their music, an axel takes off from a forward edge while all other jumps use a backward entry, and nothing is more majestic than a spiral, soaring over the ice.

The  Soviets, and Russians reigned supreme, of course.  And most of the time I cheered for them over my own country's athletes, it was rare that anyone else won me over the incredible artistry and technical superiority displayed by Mother Russia. I vividly remember being heartbroken as the Olympic flag was raised over Victor Petrenko, gold medalist in 1992. Strains of the Olympic hymn which normally generate excitement instead created sadness for an experience that must have been bittersweet for all athletes of the former Soviet Union competing so soon after the fall of communism.

Russia has risen and fallen, fallen and risen many times since that tumultuous year. The opening ceremonies in Sochi were beautiful, grand, full of history, and not without some very noticeable glitches as well as obvious omissions.  Just like their homeland.  I have such a tangled relationship with that vast, unbridled country.  A place that straddles Europe and Asia, dignity and revolt, creation and oppression.  I wrote much more on how much I hate to love Russia here but perhaps what's most interesting is if I had to use one word, it would be same word I use to describe the country itself: paradox.

Team Kaz, entering the Stadium.

So how did I feel about the Olympics being held in a place that embraces so much and so little?  It's complicated.  The opening ceremonies made me proud, made me cry, and made me snarky.  Okay, it doesn't take much for me to reach any of those emotions!  But my favorite moment was (for the first time ever) during the Parade of Nations.  Normally reserving the Parade for bathroom breaks, this time I was on the edge of my seat, waiting for my adopted homeland to appear.  And because the order was based on the Cyrillic alphabet, I couldn't take the chance of missing any moments.  Because I couldn't quite remember the Cyrillic alphabet's order.  Because if you stop speaking that language for just one day you forget three years worth of work.

Anyhow.  Team Kaz!  Sending 52 athletes to this winter games, a much larger contingent than represented at Vancouver, Kazakhstan has the chance to medal in more than one event.  Figure skater Denis Ten has already won silver at World's and could do very well in Sochi.  Speed skater Denis Kuzin and Snowboarder Valeria Tsoy are also medal hopefuls along with many other skiers and skaters.  And let's be honest, if they awarded medals for what athletes wore during the Parade, Team USA wouldn't even make the podium and Kaz would be on top!  If you don't believe me, just check out the Huffington Post.  I'm serious!

Denis Ten, Kazakh figure skater

Fun costumes aside, these games are very important to Kazakhstan, President Nazarbayev attended the opening ceremonies, cheering on his athletes. Because of Kazakhstan's close connections with Russia, the Sochi games surely have extra meaning for them. Besides, considering the work they have put into their winter program, Kazakhstan has a lot to be proud of. Historically they have sent more athletes and won more medals at Summer Games. But that may be changing, The New York Times even featured Denis Ten in an article discussing his chances at winning the country's first ever gold medal in figure skating.

And you can bet we will be cheering him on!  The girls and I made an Olympics display, to help learn about the athletes, their sports, and their medals. We've already watched several events together and Evelyn has decided to root for Team USA, Team Russia, and of course, Team Kaz. She is not rooting for Norway, by the way, I have no idea why, she just told me so! Cici loves watching the "balleninas" on ice and had no interest in the biathlon.  We're all looking forward to a lot of hockey, skiing, way too much TV and way too little sleep over the next two weeks.  With any luck, the 2014 Winter Games in Sochi will be one my daughters' first memories too and by the time Pyeongchang is ready to host we will have a new reason to cheer for Team Kaz.

Size Matters of the Heart

Some day when I look back on 2013  I will see it with clarity.  Today, it is simply a jumbled mess of emotion, confusion, and challenges that covered not just days, but months at a time.  And even though I can already see bits of purpose and pieces of reason emerging throughout the year, the beginning and the end are bookended with deep pain. 

Sharp pain can bring sharp truth.  But only if you let it.

It can be a toss up, which is more painful, learning the truth or remaining cocooned in ignorance?  Like it or not, I think that an emerging truth from this year  is how much my heart needs to grow.

I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ~Ezekiel

There might be a million reasons to explain the continued delays in our adoptions. The official story, which sounds good, (yet again) is that our two governments met just over a month ago.  The  US agreed to implement better oversight for adopted children and provide several hundred missing post placement reports. This the least our government could do after months of embarrassingly accurate criticisms by Kazakhstan and other countries regarding abuse and neglect of vulnerable children who deserved more than their adopted government gave them.  Oversight has been established and hundreds of reports arrived in Kazakhstan on December 19th.  Their government is shut down for now (not due to idiocy like ours but because of the holidays.)  And we have heard informally that January looks positive for a reopen to US adoptions.  I've heard that before and as much as I can dare to hope, it's a little scary to open myself up to being disappointed.  Again.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. ~ CS Lewis

I don't think there is anything in the world that softens your heat more than children.  When you feel a tiny baby growing inside you, all the sudden you cry at commercials and laugh with strangers. And no, it's not hormones, it's life.   But I'll never feel my third child grow inside me, and actually, across the world, while my son was growing inside another mother, she was probably experiencing the worst year of her life.  If we bring our son home in 2014, then he has already been born and it's likely that he is living in an orphanage.  So despite my struggles this past year, they pale in comparison to the challenges and heartbreak of a woman I will never know but who in some way I will be closer to than anyone else.  And it's an honor.  With every frustration I have started to think of her frustrations.  With every thought of my son, I've shared that thought with her and with every act of love for him, I've grown to love her more and more. If growing a biological child inside you is part of the typical preparation you undergo to become a mother, then my adoption journey this past year has been atypical and I think I've undergone a heart transformation as a result.

It may sound odd, but I actually started to notice this change throughout fall and into winter.  I felt different.

And what happened then?  Why in Whoville they say-that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. ~ Dr Seuss

But there's something children's stories don't tell you. If you have a bigger heart, you can have bigger hurt.  That's the thing about being vulnerable.  You're vulnerable.  To everything.  Through countless tears and sleepless nights I've felt the knife of this truth pierce my heart.  I want to stay hurt, close up, shield my heart and grow hard.  But I won't. Maybe that's why I had begun to experience a softer heart.  So that I would know it's value. So I could see through my pain and understand the pain of others.  Compassion.  With suffering. I have no doubt in my mind, or my heart, that I need to live out more compassion and grace for the people in my life.  Especially for the little one who will soon come into my life.

So I will go on.  While I tie up loose ends with paperwork and try to be ready for good news in January, I will also untie my knots and leave my heart open.  Open to grow, open to love, open to be hurt.  I will count all hurt as loss so that I may gain a heart that reflects a pure love. Love given from parent to child, an adopted child, brought into family through sacrifice and struggle, and most of all, through a broken heart.

I Quit.

Signing kids in, Discovery's first Sunday

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I love change and I hate change.  It's exciting and new, a rush of discovery and the promise of hope.  But I immerse myself in history, both global and personal and I cling to the familiar, the known. Which is probably why I hate quitting.  Anything, good or bad, I will keep doing it until I am past the point of exhaustion rather than throw in the towel. So it was just as much a shock to me as it was to anyone when I decided to quit my job.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which was planted.

But even though the decision had to be ripped from me like a tree, planted by streams of water, whose roots grow deep. . .It was the right decision and I've never looked back.  Not that I could see through my tears if I did look back, and not that there is anything in front of me to see either, but I'm comfortable, looking right where I'm at.  I have peace.  That peace is hard fought for, but it is still peace.  And peace in the middle of chaos is a pretty amazing thing.  Nope, I don't have another job.  Nope, I'm not looking for one.  Nope, Kaz is still not open and we're obviously not travelling there anytime soon.  Nope, I am not quitting my job to go toward anything.  I think I am quitting my job because I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Which can be the most freeing and most dangerous place in the world.

No one's job is without some sense of identity.  But mine is grafted onto my heart.  I feel its beat and I'm not sure how to stop that rhythm.  I love the community that comes with my job, they're family, and that won't change at all.  So, maybe the rhythm won't stop, I just adjust to a new beat.  I don't like adjusting.  But I will.  I will grieve and I will let go and I will still have peace.  And I'm fairly confident that a new awakening will be built on that peace.  A new sense of purpose.  A new season.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.~The Byrds

So I cry because my roots are deep.  And I'm weary because untangling myself from more than a decade of investment is exhausting.  But I bought waterproof mascara and I'm drinking a lot of coffee.  And I'm excited for my first day off and even though I can't wait to see what's around the corner, I'm content to just look at it. For now.

So thank you.  If you have been with me on this journey, thank you.  I love you, you are a treasure to me and my family.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without the immense richness of these past years, more blessings poured out on me than I could have imagined and more than I deserved.  And I'm not going anywhere, so I hope to still be part of something, because we are meant to live for so much more-Switchfoot. And that's what I plan to keep doing, until I can't do it anymore.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.  It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  I hope you had the time of your life.~Green Day

I know I did.