Size Matters of the Heart

Some day when I look back on 2013  I will see it with clarity.  Today, it is simply a jumbled mess of emotion, confusion, and challenges that covered not just days, but months at a time.  And even though I can already see bits of purpose and pieces of reason emerging throughout the year, the beginning and the end are bookended with deep pain. 

Sharp pain can bring sharp truth.  But only if you let it.

It can be a toss up, which is more painful, learning the truth or remaining cocooned in ignorance?  Like it or not, I think that an emerging truth from this year  is how much my heart needs to grow.

I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. ~Ezekiel

There might be a million reasons to explain the continued delays in our adoptions. The official story, which sounds good, (yet again) is that our two governments met just over a month ago.  The  US agreed to implement better oversight for adopted children and provide several hundred missing post placement reports. This the least our government could do after months of embarrassingly accurate criticisms by Kazakhstan and other countries regarding abuse and neglect of vulnerable children who deserved more than their adopted government gave them.  Oversight has been established and hundreds of reports arrived in Kazakhstan on December 19th.  Their government is shut down for now (not due to idiocy like ours but because of the holidays.)  And we have heard informally that January looks positive for a reopen to US adoptions.  I've heard that before and as much as I can dare to hope, it's a little scary to open myself up to being disappointed.  Again.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. ~ CS Lewis

I don't think there is anything in the world that softens your heat more than children.  When you feel a tiny baby growing inside you, all the sudden you cry at commercials and laugh with strangers. And no, it's not hormones, it's life.   But I'll never feel my third child grow inside me, and actually, across the world, while my son was growing inside another mother, she was probably experiencing the worst year of her life.  If we bring our son home in 2014, then he has already been born and it's likely that he is living in an orphanage.  So despite my struggles this past year, they pale in comparison to the challenges and heartbreak of a woman I will never know but who in some way I will be closer to than anyone else.  And it's an honor.  With every frustration I have started to think of her frustrations.  With every thought of my son, I've shared that thought with her and with every act of love for him, I've grown to love her more and more. If growing a biological child inside you is part of the typical preparation you undergo to become a mother, then my adoption journey this past year has been atypical and I think I've undergone a heart transformation as a result.

It may sound odd, but I actually started to notice this change throughout fall and into winter.  I felt different.

And what happened then?  Why in Whoville they say-that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. ~ Dr Seuss

But there's something children's stories don't tell you. If you have a bigger heart, you can have bigger hurt.  That's the thing about being vulnerable.  You're vulnerable.  To everything.  Through countless tears and sleepless nights I've felt the knife of this truth pierce my heart.  I want to stay hurt, close up, shield my heart and grow hard.  But I won't. Maybe that's why I had begun to experience a softer heart.  So that I would know it's value. So I could see through my pain and understand the pain of others.  Compassion.  With suffering. I have no doubt in my mind, or my heart, that I need to live out more compassion and grace for the people in my life.  Especially for the little one who will soon come into my life.

So I will go on.  While I tie up loose ends with paperwork and try to be ready for good news in January, I will also untie my knots and leave my heart open.  Open to grow, open to love, open to be hurt.  I will count all hurt as loss so that I may gain a heart that reflects a pure love. Love given from parent to child, an adopted child, brought into family through sacrifice and struggle, and most of all, through a broken heart.

I Quit.

Signing kids in, Discovery's first Sunday

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

I love change and I hate change.  It's exciting and new, a rush of discovery and the promise of hope.  But I immerse myself in history, both global and personal and I cling to the familiar, the known. Which is probably why I hate quitting.  Anything, good or bad, I will keep doing it until I am past the point of exhaustion rather than throw in the towel. So it was just as much a shock to me as it was to anyone when I decided to quit my job.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which was planted.

But even though the decision had to be ripped from me like a tree, planted by streams of water, whose roots grow deep. . .It was the right decision and I've never looked back.  Not that I could see through my tears if I did look back, and not that there is anything in front of me to see either, but I'm comfortable, looking right where I'm at.  I have peace.  That peace is hard fought for, but it is still peace.  And peace in the middle of chaos is a pretty amazing thing.  Nope, I don't have another job.  Nope, I'm not looking for one.  Nope, Kaz is still not open and we're obviously not travelling there anytime soon.  Nope, I am not quitting my job to go toward anything.  I think I am quitting my job because I'm right where I'm supposed to be.  Which can be the most freeing and most dangerous place in the world.

No one's job is without some sense of identity.  But mine is grafted onto my heart.  I feel its beat and I'm not sure how to stop that rhythm.  I love the community that comes with my job, they're family, and that won't change at all.  So, maybe the rhythm won't stop, I just adjust to a new beat.  I don't like adjusting.  But I will.  I will grieve and I will let go and I will still have peace.  And I'm fairly confident that a new awakening will be built on that peace.  A new sense of purpose.  A new season.

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.~The Byrds

So I cry because my roots are deep.  And I'm weary because untangling myself from more than a decade of investment is exhausting.  But I bought waterproof mascara and I'm drinking a lot of coffee.  And I'm excited for my first day off and even though I can't wait to see what's around the corner, I'm content to just look at it. For now.

So thank you.  If you have been with me on this journey, thank you.  I love you, you are a treasure to me and my family.  I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without the immense richness of these past years, more blessings poured out on me than I could have imagined and more than I deserved.  And I'm not going anywhere, so I hope to still be part of something, because we are meant to live for so much more-Switchfoot. And that's what I plan to keep doing, until I can't do it anymore.

So make the best of this test and don't ask why.  It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.  I hope you had the time of your life.~Green Day

I know I did.

Soon End In Joy

See the t shirt?

We had a summer bucket list. Tomorrow is the first day of fall and I've been quite retrospective about summer, as it draws to an end. What did we set about to do?

Fun family times:  Trip to the wave pool-check.  The girls loved it and would have gladly played for hours more in the water had their mother not been exhausted :)  We rounded out the night with burgers and milkshakes at Shake Shake Shake and a walk through Stadium High School-awesome.  A camping trip over Labor Day weekend was also a huge success despite the fact that the park bathrooms broke the second night there and we renamed our girls whiny pants and grabby hands (if you know us, there should be no question who is who!)  We had a great time taking little hikes, swimming in the lake and eating delicious meals, why does food always taste better when eaten outside?  And, we ate outside throughout the summer, BBQs on our porch, trips to the park with Tatanka take out for dinner (can you say buffalo?!) and popsicles enjoyed during summer evening walks through UPS.  The college, not the delivery service :) Summer reading club-check.  I love trips to the library as a way to share different cultures with the girls. Even now in our book basket we have a Russian folk tale (thinly veiled children's story of Animal Farm!) a book about Pablo Picasso, Louis Armstrong, and a poem about cats. That might make me seem like a super star mom except for the fact that the two books my girls ask for most are Cinderella and Barbie.  Sigh.  I try soooo hard!

Speaking of reading, our goal for the  summer with Evelyn was for her to memorize a verse each week and know her kindergarten sight words.  Eleven verses-check.  Kindergarten sight words-check.  In two weeks and then she got bored and started to make patterns with the words and create example sentences with each one.  So we moved on to first grade words and addition with double digit numbers-check.  I honestly don't know what to do with that child, I may just send her off to college right now!

Bard's goal was to take the girls on a little day hike to Mount Rainier.  We fit it in by surprising him on his birthday, packed up the girls, cupcakes, a backpack frame for Cici, and headed up the mountain.  Despite the rumblings of thunder, somehow managing to leave Evelyn's shoe in the parking lot, and spending the last half a mile convincing Evelyn to. . . STAND UP AND KEEP WALKING! We had a good time :)  I love my mountain and yes, it is my mountain, both girls call it that as well although Evelyn has started telling me that it can't just be my mountain, I have to share.  We'll see.

Weekly trips to the Farmer's Market, both girls in swim lessons, BBQing with friends-check, check, check. I guess as summer ends, I have a lot to be thankful for.  And I'm trying to, I really am.  But I'm not.  I'm really not.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Nobody knows but Jesus

I love the time we've had as a family.  We were very purposeful about it, fitting it in when it looked like it would be too squishy.  Passing on other commitments because we wanted these memories.  Needed them. Our last times with the girls before traveling to the other side of the world.

Nobody knows the trouble I've seen
Glory Hallelujah ~ Louis Armstrong

Because those family memories were supposed to be preparation for adding to our family.  At the end of the bucket list was:  Complete dossier, accept referral, fly to Kazakhstan.  I worried that the girls would miss their first day of school.  I worried that we would leave before Bard had time to feel secure in his new job. Then I worried that we would never travel at all.  We heard the papers were ready.  Officials had given the go ahead.  And then we heard about the court case.  And so did the Kazakhstan government.    The details are disgusting, search for them on your own if you want, I'm not going into them here. Suffice to say that an evil exists in the world and anyone who doubts its existence is blind to the plight of orphaned children.

But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand.  The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. ~ Psalm of David


Our courts moved too slowly and one delay rolled into another while our agency worried that the monstrosity of a crime would cast a pall over all US adoptions.  And they would be shut down.  Indefinitely. And then any information we were receiving simply shut down.  And so did I.  I lived in tears and helplessness.  And waiting.  Depression.

God hears your sighs and counts your tears

And then I snapped.  I could not be in the dark any longer, there had to be someone out there who knew something.  I called and emailed and researched. Congress is probably completely incapable of doing anything regarding Syria, healthcare, or the budget.  But damned if one of them couldn't help me adopt a child from Central Asia.  We learned that our ambassador for Children's Issues with the State Department was preparing a trip to Kazakhstan, meeting with officials regarding US adoptions.  And we learned that although there was certainly some misgivings in Kazakhstan regarding US adoptions, there was also support for it to reopen, and to do so quickly.  Maybe not my definition of quickly, but I'll take what I can get!  And then, the best, most nerve wracking news of all.  Our agency, which has been extremely conservative-for good reason-about us working on our dossier, gave the green light.  One week ago I was told I could move forward on the 30 documents required by the Kazakhstan government before they will approve us for adoption and refer a child to become part of our family.  Please do not ever get in my way when I am on the move, especially when it concerns my child!  I am waiting on 2 documents, getting 9 of them notarized and driving down to Olympia next week to get the whole set apostilled.  It should be in the mail to our agency by Friday.  If there is an Emmy for fastest dossier assembly ever, then could someone please nominate me for it?

God will lift up, God will lift up, lift up your head

Now we go to Monday.  A month ago, the sentencing for the couple convicted of abusing their adopted Kazakhstan children was rescheduled.  For Monday.  Our ambassador is in Kazakhstan and meeting with the government.  On Monday.

I know that the Lord secures justice for the poor and upholds the cause of the needy. ~ Psalm of David

Do you believe in God?  Maybe you do, maybe you don't.  Maybe you've never thought about it.  Maybe you think religion is simply a crutch, clung to by the desperate.

I am desperate.

Pray.  You don't believe in prayer?  Pray anyway.    Have you ever thought there might be a God out there and wondered if He listens to you?  Pray.  Have you ever thought that if there was a God that He should prove His existence to you?  Pray.  Ever wondered why God doesn't act against injustice and answer the cry of children in need?  Pray.  I'm begging you, on my knees, get down on your knees and ask God to move. Move heaven and earth in defense of these children.  Move in mighty ways against wickedness and to prove love.  Pray. Am I bossy?  Forcing my beliefs on you?  Bias in my way of life over yours?  I don't care.  I care about one thing and one thing only.  People who deserve it, going to jail for the rest of their lives, never able to hurt an innocent child again - for justice - and to show the Kazakhstan government that those people do not speak for the countless families who are honored at the opportunity to embrace a child as their own. This week could change our lives forever.  Pray, please pray.

Through waves and clouds and storms, He gently clears the way
Wait, because in His time, so shall this night
Soon end in joy, soon end in joy ~ Jars of Clay